Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I receive a lot of emails that go something like this: “Help. My husband wants a divorce and I don’t. I want to save the marriage, but he won’t cooperate. How can I change his mind when he won’t listen to me?” There are a lot of underlying questions within this one. What the person really wants to know is if you can save your marriage single-handedly, even if you are the only one who wants to right now? And, how do you go about doing this when you’re playing to an uninterested audience?

There are ways to be successful, but they often require you to step out of your comfort zone and change course. Because, if your husband has already checked out of the marriage, it’s because (at least metaphorically speaking) he no longer buys what you’re saying. So, you’ll need to change both the message and your approach. In short, you’ll need to come at this from an entirely new angle because what you’re doing likely hasn’t been working very effectively. In the following article, I’ll suggest ways that you can do this.

Deeply Understand Why He Wants A Divorce. Get Down To The Brass Tacks: To really change his mind and get a foothold back in your marriage, you’ll need to very clear about why this request for a divorce has come up. So often, people will give me very vague reasons for the split, when what I am looking for is something very specific that can be addressed and solved. So when someone tells me “he says he doesn’t love me anymore,” often what that really means is that the connection, intimacy, and appreciation are lost. When someone tells me “we just fight all of the time,” that really tells me that there is a break down in communication.

It’s highly unlikely that your husband will be able to articulate the exact reason that he wants out. But, you can use the little snippets or comments that he gives you as clues to the real issue. I can tell you very confidently that it often comes down to neglect. Husbands, whether we believe it or not, are a lot like us. At the end of the day, they want to feel understood, appreciated and desired. These things greatly affect how they feel about themselves. So, if you aren’t giving or showing them these things, it greatly affects how they feel about their own self-worth, which in turn affects the way that they feel about you and their marriage.

Husbands very commonly tell me that they feel like they are the least important person in their wive’s life – underneath the kids, underneath your boss, and underneath your friends. Remember this when you are interacting with your husband right now. Because if you approach him from a place of telling him why he is so wrong about this divorce, he is going to read it as once again, you don’t understand him and you don’t care enough to listen to what he is really saying, which leads me to….

Make Sure That The Message That You Are Sending Conveys Validation And Your Genuinely Wanting Your Husband To Be Happy: Every single person on this earth wants to feel heard and validated. If you remember nothing else about this article, remember that your husband is going to be much more receptive to you if he really feels that you are truly listening, that you truly understand what he is saying, and that you are willing to put aside your own feelings and doubts for his happiness. If he comes to understand that you want to help him get what he wants (rather than keeping him from it), he is going to be far less distant and he’ll have far fewer walls up.

So, it’s very important that you sit him down and agree (at least in theory) that your marriage is no longer fulfilling to either of you and that you regret any part that you had in that. Insist that you want your husband to be happy and that is too important to you to end things on the negative track where things are heading. Tell him that you would like to change this, no matter how things end up and that you want to be proud and at peace about the way that you are handling things. He may not believe you at first. But, you’re going to hang in there and do exactly as you’ve promised. Over time, he’ll come to learn that you are trustworthy, so there’s no need to keep avoiding you or to remain distant.

Evaluating Who You Are Presenting To Your Husband. What Is Your Stance?: When I was trying to save my marriage, a counselor that I saw briefly had me do a very interesting exercise. She had me hold my wedding photo and asked me to describe the woman in the photo – in terms of how she was in the relationship and in the marriage. Of course, I had all sorts of positive adjectives like hopeful, excited, loving, open, honest, etc. Then, she abruptly took out a digital camera, snapped a photo of me and then asked me to look at the tired, scowling woman that I was in that instant and describe her. Immediately, tears came into my eyes because, seeing the two women (who were myself) side by side put things very much into perspective. My husband married a happy go lucky, positive person and yet sitting across from the counselor in that moment was a resentful, negative, fearful person. (This completely changed the way that I approached my reconciliation.)

Later, after I had a bit of distance, I understood that she did this exercise to show me who my husband was looking at (and interacting with) when he came in contact with me. It was obvious which one he would rather I be. I myself would rather deal with the first version. Of course, I could not turn back the clock, but I could check myself when we were together and I could break it down into small steps and interactions where I was only focusing on creating positive interactions between us.

This meant abandoning that woman who was trying to strong-arm him, guilt him, threaten him, etc. in favor of the woman with the easy laugh and the open heart. He related much better to her. I can not stress enough that it’s highly important to always remember how you are presenting yourself. Men are attracted to confident, upbeat, busy women who have all of this in their lives and who make time for and value them anyway. Make sure that you go out with friends, do what makes you happy, remain busy, and make sure that he knows all of these things.

Often, he will be so surprised by this new you that he will come around or start paying more attention just to see what’s going on. When this time comes, move slowly and continue to do what has been working, presenting your best self and slowly focusing on positive, easy-going interactions where you both leave feeling happy rather than hopeless.

I was so paranoid about a divorce that I went about pre-empting it in destructive ways. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I turned toward more positive approaches which eventually worked.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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