Leslie Cane Articles

Before I write another word, I want to stress that if you think that you may be depressed, I urge you to see your doctor or a therapist (or to reach out to the countless free mental health or depression helplines available in nearly every community or online.)  I am not a doctor, and I don’t mean for this article to do anything more than to make you aware that even upbeat, optimistic people can experience symptoms of depression during their marital separation (or at other stressful periods of their life.) It’s very important to be aware of this possibility. Many of us feel sadness while separated. I know that I sure did. Not only is this to be expected, but it is normal. However, some of us begin with sadness and end up experiencing some depression. This article will cover the clinical criteria for the same so that you can reach out to your doctor and a support system if you meet these criteria. It will also offer some tips that can hopefully help you boost your mood in the meantime.

Here is my understanding of the criteria for depression:

Depression Diagnostic Criteria: There are eight symptoms on the DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria for depression.  They are: 

• Depressed mood most of the time, nearly every day.
• Less interest (or pleasure in) your day-to-day activities.
• Significant weight loss or gain when you are not trying to change your weight, or an increase or decrease in your appetite.
• A slowing down of thought with the reduction of physical movement (observable by others)
• Loss of energy or feeling tired, nearly every day.
• An inability to think, concentrate, focus, or make decisions, nearly every day.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, nearly every day. 
• Thoughts of death or suicidal ideation. 

For a diagnosis, one would have at least five of these symptoms over at least two weeks. One of the symptoms would need to be either depressed mood or loss of pleasure or interest. And the symptoms would be severe enough to impair functioning.

That said, to me, experiencing any of these symptoms for even a short period of time is painful. Looking back now, I was definitely depressed during my own separation. (There’s more about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com) And I waited far too long to get help. I don’t want this for anyone else. If you are affected by any of these symptoms, please reach out to your doctor or therapist, and surround yourself with a support system of family, friends, co-workers, or classmates. Isolation is the last thing you need when you feel down. Here are a few other things that might lift your spirits in the meantime. What works for me may not be the ticket for you, but work with your doctor or therapist and keep trying new things until you hit the sweet spot of feeling better.

Physical Activity: Hand down, moving was the most helpful thing for me. I had issues sleeping and exercise was the only thing that helped me sleep better. Now, as much as I love yoga and pilates, what I needed at the time was an aerobic activity that made me break a sweat. I jogged. I power walked. I tried Crossfit and I really enjoyed kickboxing. Find what you enjoy and try to aim for half an hour or more a day. I know that some days you may have to force yourself, but I never regretted exercise afterward.

Step Up Involvement in Meaningful Connections: When you feel down, the last thing you want to do is to ruminate by yourself. However, when you spend time alone, it’s incredibly easy to get stuck in a loop of rumination. To avoid this, spend time with loved ones, volunteer, join a group, or find other ways to get out and spend your time on something that is meaningful to you. Keeping yourself busy with a higher purpose is an effective way to force yourself to stop stewing. You simply won’t have the time and space to do it. 

Get Outside: Clinical studies have shown a correlation between sadness and a lack of sunlight in some people. If you can exercise outside, you’re actually accomplishing two things that may enhance your mood. Some people who live in climates with less sunlight have success with the lightboxes that have become popular (and are readily available) today. I didn’t try these because I tried to exercise outside when I could. But get small amounts of sunlight however you can. (Of course, use sun protection for your skin.)

Use Only Positive Ways To Distract Yourself: When I found myself in a negative thought loop, I found it very helpful to be deliberate with my next action. I found that watching too much mindless TV, spending time on social media, or endlessly scrolling news feeds actually made me feel worse. So I learned to distract myself in more healthy ways. I learned to knit and crochet. (Both activities are incredibly soothing and there are countless YouTube videos to teach you.) I practiced yoga. I re-read classic books. I found new (but positive) podcasts to enjoy. Distracting yourself is a good thing when you are stuck in negativity – but only if you are distracting yourself with positive (or at least neutral) activities. 

Practice Gratitude: It’s so easy to focus on what is wrong when you are separated. But I’ll bet that plenty of other things are right. I trained myself to record three things I was grateful for into an app. I liked to go back over my lists when I felt down. Doing this forced me to look for the good in every day. I know that there are days when you may feel that you have to reach to be thankful. But look around. Not everyone can see or enjoy the beauty of the sky, the warmth of the sun, the sound of the rain, or the feel of the ground beneath your feet. Get into the habit of recording these gifts (I even sometimes took pictures of the things I was recording.) Making this a habit greatly upped my mood over time.

I don’t intend for any of these tips to replace the care and advice of your doctor or therapist. Instead, I offer relatively simple and free activities that helped me. I hope that they may help you in addition to any other protocol you are using. 

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