Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people who read this blog feel sure that their marriages are over. To that end, one of the most typical issues that comes up is a wife who is being told that her husband is no longer attracted to her. And she worries that this means the end of everything.

She might say: “Hearing that he’s no longer attracted to me is devastating and tells me that my marriage is likely over. Honestly, I believe that his physical attraction to me was most of what brought us together. Personality-wise, we’re opposites. Our values and belief systems are mostly different. So, the very strong attraction was really the only thing we had going for us. With that gone, I think we’re in big trouble. Is there any way at all that a marriage that was mostly based on chemistry and attraction can be saved? Because if there is, I’m willing to do just about anything to save it.”

What a Lack of Physical Attraction Sometimes Really Means: Fair disclosure. I believe that the vast majority of marriages can be saved, and some of my bias lies in the fact that I saved my marriage myself when things looked very bleak.

I’ve come to believe that, in many cases, the issues that the spouses think are the problem actually aren’t. Often, a “lack of physical attraction” runs a little deeper and encompasses other issues. 

In many cases, a couple has children, financial investments, or joint interests that bring them together on a deeper level than just chemistry. So blaming attraction and chemistry is often not the entire story. 

Sometimes, a shift in focus and priorities can bring the “chemistry and attraction” right back.  

Although The Spouses May Believe They Married Based On Chemistry and Physical Attraction Alone, I Believe This Is Rarely The Case: I’ve had people tell me that they believe their marriage was based solely upon their attraction to one another. Basically, they think their looks and their chemistry were the only things they had going for them.

However, I’ll often flip this by asking them if they’d marry someone who was beautiful physically but who had a personality and behaviors that made their skin crawl. Very few people answer yes to this question. 

Sure, appearance may have been the thing that piqued your interest in the beginning. There is nothing wrong with this. But, if the person’s personality wasn’t at least somewhat pleasing to you, it’s highly unlikely that you would’ve continued on. It would be incredibly hard to find someone physically attractive when, time and time again, their actions and behaviors grated on your nerves or were off putting to you.

More Than Looks Make Up the Whole of Who You Are: None of us are perfect physically. Few of us look like we did on the day we married and there is nothing wrong with that. And it cuts both ways. 

Very few people would describe their spouse as perfect. Generally speaking, when things are going well in a marriage, there are some attributes that they adore and others that they ultimately embrace because they love their spouse and know that all of the attributes combined are what make their spouse who they are. 

So don’t think for a second that your looks are the only thing you have of value. There is so much more to all of us than that. When you do that, you’re discounting all of the attributes that make up the whole of who you are.

Do you judge your husband solely on his looks and your attraction to him? Of course you don’t. The same is likely true for him.

Your Spouse Perceives Your Looks Based in Part of How You Make Him Feel: Here’s an important secret. The way that you make your spouse feel is reflected in how he sees you. 

The most beautiful woman in the world may appear downright unattractive to her husband if he doesn’t feel understood, loved, and appreciated by her. 

When two people are deeply connected and bonded, they see the other person through rose-colored glasses. They project their positive feelings onto all aspects of the other person (and this includes appearance.) 

So if you make your husband feel like you truly “get him” – the good and the bad – and you adore him and appreciate him in every way, you will be beautiful in his eyes.

Improving The Marriage In A Way That Focuses On What’s Inside Rather Than On What Is Outside:  Often, when life becomes hectic people stop focusing on the vital things within their marriage. In the example above, I would be willing to bet that the husband would tell me what the vast majority of men tell me. Their “lack of attraction” is because their wife no longer seems to make the time for them, always seems distracted and negative, and no longer seems to appreciate and understand them. 

The above-mentioned husband’s frustration with the change in priorities and attention was likely clouding how he felt about how his wife looked.

But this is actually good news because if you and your husband focus and place your attention on reconnecting, then you will see a big improvement in the way you feel chemistry and attraction. 

What You Like Matters the Most. Confidence is Very Attractive: If you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see, then you can always make positive changes for your own benefit, and your husband may well notice. But never make changes for anyone but yourself. If you like what you see, that’s plenty good enough. Because confidence is the most attractive thing of all.

Always remember that the bigger play is to focus on healing your priorities, your attention, and eventually, your marriage. Because as you become reconnected with your husband and more intimately bonded, I can nearly guarantee that he will think you’re very attractive again.

 Understanding What Chemistry and Attraction Really Are: Let’s be real. “Chemistry” is often related to how often you physically connect, and yes, have sex and how good your spouse thinks it is. And that has more to do with enthusiasm than with looks or technique. That’s why it’s important that you focus on the right things. It’s not necessarily how you look in the lingerie. It’s that you’re willing to put it on with a smile on your face.

Honestly, I believe your time is better spent on the health of your marriage than on getting a makeover. Because I honestly believe that this isn’t really about your looks – it is about your connection. And about your enthusiasm. And in my experience, you can establish both.