Leslie Cane Articles

I’ve had people ask me if bird nesting is a good solution for a couple who feels the need to try a marital separation.  These couples are focused on making life easier for their children. To be clear, bird nesting is a situation where the parent who is caring for the child at the time lives in the home. The parents alternate who lives / stays in the home depending upon who is caring for the children.  For example, if the father sees / cares for the children from Friday night to Sunday afternoon, then the mom would stay with friends or in an apartment on those days. And then the mom would return home to care for the children while the father goes somewhere else. This way, the children never have to leave their home and their lives are less disrupted. They get to maintain their school schedule and interact with the same friends. This can also save money because it can mean that the parents can get a smaller apartment (since the kids don’t need beds in the apartment) or can just stay with friends or family.  The parents revolve around the children and the martial home – and not the other way around.

However, although parents can agree that this SOUNDS better for the kids, they can worry about how it is going to work in practice. For example, someone might say: “my husband is determined that we should separate for a little while. He claims that he is open to saving our marriage down the road. But he is also determined to spend time living away from me. His brother has an extra bedroom, so there’s really no need for an apartment. He has suggested the “bird nest” situation. He is very close to the kids and on weekends, he’d like to come here and stay. He said that he is not requesting that I leave when he is here. But I know that for the most part, that’s how it works – the parent not actively spending time with the kids leaves. I could stay with my parents without any problem. But some of my friends say that I am crazy to even consider this. They say that he is the one who wants to separate, so let him actually pay for an apartment and not force me out of my own home. I don’t necessarily feel forced, as I wouldn’t have to leave if I didn’t want to. Can bird nesting work during a trial separation? My hope is that this doesn’t have to become permanent.”

I have known some couples who have done it. In some cases, it went well. In other cases, it did not. I think that what is important is that you have just as much consideration for each other as you do for the children. In cases where it hasn’t worked, there were issues when one or both of the spouses were seeing other people and leaving evidence of it in the shared apartment. This created awkwardness and anger. That’s why I think that it can work in separations that are truly meant to be only temporary because in these cases, there is less of a chance of dating other people. (This living situation can definitely be tricky when one or both of the spouses start dating others.)

However, if there is not going to be another apartment and you are both going to crash with friends or other family members, then this diminishes the risk of the awkward additional apartment. It also gives you an incentive to reconcile, as it’s probably going to get pretty old having to crash on the couches of loved ones. I have heard people say that you have to be careful because an attorney would tell you not to leave your home in case of a divorce. So if it’s feasible that a reconciliation won’t be possible, you may want to consult an attorney before you make a decision. I have no idea if there are any legal ramifications to doing this.

But from a family point of view, I think it shows two parents who are willing to be inconvenienced for the sake of their children. It shows a commitment to remain a family even though you are having difficulties right now. I tend to advocate separating but living in different parts of your home, as this is what I always wanted during my own separation. However, my husband would not agree to this, and I know that this is sometimes the case for others. So in a situation where your husband wants his own physical space for part of the time, I personally think that bird nesting can be a nice alternative if it is done carefully. I’m certainly not a legal or psychological expert and I’d recommend that you consult both. But I think if both people are committed to being respectful and accommodating, it could not only work, but could also provide the kids with the least interruption to their lives as is possible. From a couple standpoint, it could ensure that you are regularly communicating and being respectful to one another, which are both things that could help in a reconciliation down the road.

As I said, my husband and I lived in different places while separated and I firmly believe that this is part of the reason that reconciliation took a while.  Of course, I made many mistakes that contributed to the delay.  But I eventually did a 180 degree turn in terms of strategy and this worked.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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