Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: You might think your New Year’s Resolution is unique. After all, millions of people vow to lose weight, make more money, or get organized. But how many resolve to save their marriage or get their spouse back? This resolution probably isn’t as rare as you assume. Since marriage is among our most important relationships, some of us will fight for it.

Gradual, Small Resolutions Are More Likely To Stick. Here is another way where this resolution isn’t all that different from most. I can tell you from experience that gradual, lasting changes in your marriage or in any reconciliation strategy are more likely to work. We all fantasize about huge, dramatic changes that force our husband to take notice. But, sometimes these dramatic changes backfire. They don’t work; they don’t last, and they either scare our husband or he has doubt or reluctance. Instead, the small, gradual changes are not only more believable, but they are also more sustainable and more effective.

Personal Changes Are More Important Than Changes To Your Marriage Or Reconciliation Strategy. I know that you want to fix your marriage. But if your husband is (or might be) gone, your marriage is fragile. And fragile marriages struggle even more when you place them under scrutiny or try to tear them down before you build them back on. Since you should be making gradual changes in your marriage, make the biggest changes to yourself. Strengthen your resolve, your character, and your own happiness. All will indirectly benefit your marriage or reconciliation. Separated spouses often notice and appreciate positive changes. And feeling better about yourself makes this process a little more bearable.

Break It Down. Saving your marriage or getting your husband back is a huge goal. It can feel daunting and overwhelming. So like any large task, breaking it down into small, manageable steps can make life easier. Instead of vowing to get him back in short order, vow to improve your interactions. You’re more likely to have success and to gain important momentum. With improved interactions, vow to slowly re-build intimacy and comfort. Once that’s done, strive for more frequent interactions. As you can see, this is a gradual process. But since the steps are small and achievable, you are more likely to continue and to have success.

Accept Half Victories. We all fantasize about a present husband who is once again madly in love. And, we may get this eventually. But in the meantime, we may get a halfway enthusiastic husband who is unsure but trying. This is okay. As long as you’re still in the game, enthusiastically accept what the situation gives you. Sure, we all want the happily ever after tomorrow. But we might only get content right this second. Again, you may have to wait or accept a fraction of what you want. But as long as you hang in there, you might eventually reach your goal.

Remember What’s Simple. One of the biggest secrets to saving or getting back your marriage is memories. I don’t mean remembering your most important days or occasions. I mean remembering what brought you together in the first place. It’s the commitment to band together in both good times and bad. It’s the man who stood by you when you were at your worst. It’s the couple who were never perfect but who was enough. It’s so important to remember and embrace the little things because this is the stuff of marriage. It’s not the memorable days or the rare romantic occasions. It’s the two people enjoying morning cereal or nighttime TV together. When you embrace those simple things, reconciliation is much more achievable.

Focus On The Good. When you want your marriage back, it’s normal to want to “fix.” And fixing means erasing the bad. Naturally, you will focus on broken things during this process. Unfortunately, this negative focus can hurt your progress. I’m not saying you won’t have to fix things, but when you are just starting out, it’s perfectly fine to focus on the good.

Don’t Get Discouraged. This may sound simplistic, but you only lose when you quit. People often ask if it’s “too late” to get their husband back. The next question would be if their husband was still breathing. If he is, the answer is no. Sure, it may not be easy. It may take time and some finesse. You may have to come at him from different angles and try various strategies. But if you have perseverance and patience, this is doable. If you are not yet ready to give up, don’t. Take this day by day and then week by week. And then month by month. Hopefully, but this time next year, you will have achieved your goal and saved your marriage.  You can read about how I gradually and successfully saved my own marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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