Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If there is anything that I’ve learned from writing about marriage and interacting with folks struggling in their marriages, it’s this: One of the most vital human needs is to feel seen and heard. And if you don’t feel seen and heard by the most important person in your life – your spouse – it can most definitely jeopardize your marriage. 

Someone might say, “My husband blows me off when I say this, but I believe that it’s true. He no longer really and truly sees me. And he no longer really cares to put in the effort to do better. When he looks at me now, it’s like he looks right through me. He doesn’t see the woman he married. I could be the lawn guy. Or the mail lady. I’m merely another person in his life who does things for him and whom he must manage. I’m the lady who does his laundry and raises his children. But I’m no longer the person he shares his worries and his feelings with. It’s like he doesn’t respect me enough for that anymore. Admittedly, since I’ve stayed home with the kids, even I see myself differently. Intellectually, I don’t really have an outlet so I depend upon my husband for things like that. But he doesn’t have time for me anymore. It’s like he thinks I’m dumb now or just not worth the effort anymore. I know that staying home with our kids is important, but sometimes I do regret it. My husband most definitely treats me differently because of it. At the same time, I know that this home would fall apart without me. I know that my husband could never handle and keep track of all of the things that I handle. So I do see the value in what I do. But it seems like no one else does. There are times in the evening when I am so tired and spent, and yet he doesn’t even see it. When I see him struggling, I make a point to find out what is wrong and try to help him fix it. But he thinks I should have no problems whatsoever since I’m at home and living what he thinks is a life of luxury. It feels disrespectful and dismissive. And I’ve noticed him looking at other women when we’re out to dinner or flirting with the waitress, which he never used to do before. How can I stop this trend before it destroys my marriage? How do I get him to see me again?”

Don’t Be Complacent. Seek Out Important Changes To Obtain The Happiness You Deserve: If I had money every time someone asked this sort of question, I would be rich. Although the answer isn’t an easy one, I do think that this problem is fixable.  

You must change the circumstances and the environment so that you’re giving yourself a fighting chance. You can’t function in the same old way and expect a new response.

In this case, it might mean to get out of the house without the kids so he can again see you as an alluring individual who has something important to say. Once he is doing this regularly, I’m going to guess that he’s going to start really looking at (and listening to) you again.

Talk about things that have nothing to do with your household and your kids. 

And I know what you’re going to say, because I’ve used this excuse too many times to count. You might say something like, “But I can’t just pretend my kids don’t exist. I can’t just turn off my obligations.”

I know that you can’t. But you probably can for just a couple of hours once or twice a week. You can’t expect him to not see you as a mom or the keeper of the house or the organized taskmaster when that’s exactly the environment he sees you in most of the time. 

Make Sure Intimacy Is Regular And Satisfying:  This is cliche and even crass to say. But honestly, the easiest way to get a man to really look at you (adoringly, even) is to rock his world regularly. This sounds deceptively simple. But I know firsthand that it’s not so easy to rock his world when things aren’t so great at home. 

Understandably, you may worry about awkwardness and rejection. It can be very scary to allow yourself to be so vulnerable as to be the one to approach him in a playful and even an aggressive way. But I promise you that there’s a very good chance that he is not going to complain. I can also promise you that if you are sharing physical intimacy, you have a MUCH greater chance of sharing emotional intimacy. Therefore, you have a much greater chance of him actually seeing and hearing the real you. Men who are regularly getting their sexual needs met generally find their partner much more interesting and alluring.  

I know that fatigue and family obligations can be a factor in this, so you may need to encourage him to give you breaks in exchange for increased intimacy. Most men will take that trade any day. When he sees there is something in it for him, he is much more likely to step up to the plate. (And he’ll also come to see that you most definitely aren’t living in the lap of luxury all day.) 

If You Want Him To See You, Make Sure That He Believes That You’re Seeing (And Making Time For) Him: I know you believe that you make the effort to notice his struggles, but make absolutely sure that he also believes this is true. Sometimes, our perception is the opposite of our spouses’ perception. So while you may think that you’re being incredibly attentive, your husband may perceive that all of your emotional attention is going to the kids, house, job, or whatever takes up the most of your time. I know that this type of spousal jealousy and score-keeping sounds awful, but I cannot stress how common it is. In fact, it is so common, I’d say that it’s the exception rather than the rule, so it makes sense to ask yourself if it is possible in your case. 

Taking The Initiative Doesn’t Mean That You Don’t Share The Responsibility Equally: Please don’t think I’m laying the responsibility for being seen at your feet. I’m not. It would be wonderful if your husband would realize that he should do pay more attention on his own. But let’s deal with reality. The fastest way to get your needs met is to control the only person you can – yourself. If your proactive behaviors make him more likely to give you what you want, then what is the harm in taking the initiative?  

It may feel unfair at first, but you know what is going to make the process feel much better? Being truly seen again, as soon as possible. 

You’ll be happier, he’ll be happier. There is very little risk or downside.

I wish I’d taken my own advice. I had to learn this the hard way. I became complacent and it almost led to divorce. I had to allow myself to be very vulnerable again to save my marriage. That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin