Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for me to hear from upset wives whose husbands have very vaguely asked for “freedom.” Unfortunately, these husbands rarely define or clarify what they mean by said freedom. Because of his inability to be clear, a wife will often assume the worst. Does this mean he wants a separation? A divorce? An open marriage?

You might be wondering why the wife doesn’t just ask him. I’ll tell you why. Because wives are afraid of his response. Most of these wives do not want a separation, divorce, or open marriage. So understandably, she does not want to open these options up for discussion.

She might say, “My husband and I got in a bit of a fight this weekend, and he lashed out and demanded his “freedom.” I must admit that I was angry and didn’t want to engage with him, so I just stormed out. I was hoping that he would forget the entire thing, but this morning at breakfast, he decided to remind me about his request for freedom and said he is visiting his brother that lives two hours away. He did not indicate that he was staying for long. And as far as I know, he didn’t ask for time off from work. So this may be just a temporary thing, but he’s been so unhappy with me lately, that I’m afraid he means that he’s soon going to want long-term freedom. And I can’t bring myself to broach this. I’m not too pleased with him either lately. But I don’t want to alter, end, or pause my marriage. I want to work things out. I actually want LESS freedom, not more. And I fear that this is a sign of bad things to come. I’m scared to pull the lid off of this. So I’ve pretty much said nothing. I’m not sure what else to do.”

I have to tell you that I understand this strategy, and I even somewhat agree with it. I’ve seen too many situations where the husband wasn’t actually thinking of beginning to move away from his marriage, but once the wife puts the idea into his head, he can’t get it out. From that point on, it really is an uphill climb to get him fully invested in his marriage again.

I’ve come to some conclusions about what I think is best to play this scenario, simply because I’ve seen it go wrong via common pitfalls too many times. Here are some tips.

Make A Conscious Effort To Give Him ‘Safe’ Freedoms: We all wish our husbands wanted to blissfully be with us all of the time. But that isn’t realistic. Everyone needs time to themselves. And frankly, sometimes people need time to themselves for reasons that don’t have as much to do with you – or your marriage – as you might think.

That is why it’s best to not panic and overreact. Sure, he may be blaming or distancing from you because he’s going through a rough time, and you are the most convenient target. But this doesn’t mean that with a bit of patience and finesse, you won’t come through this just fine.

The easiest and perhaps safest option is to encourage any safe attempts at “freedom.” Going to his brother’s home is probably not anything to be concerned about. Hanging out with friends you like and trust is probably healthy also. Exploring solo hobbies can also a good option. If you make sure that you try to remain close while he’s home and present, then this doesn’t necessarily need to feel awkward. If he’s happier, it will in turn make your marriage better. And if he feels that you’re trying to help him be happier, then this whole freedom business may end quite quickly.

When He Wants More Freedom Than You’re Comfortable With: Of course, when some husbands ask for “freedom,” they are not talking about the wholesome and innocent kind. They want a break from what they see as the limits and demands of marriage. These husbands may be asking to spend time with people or activities that you may find objectionable.

It helps to try your best to make him clarify exactly what he wants and why. Then when you are sure that you’re understanding exactly what he’s requesting, you have to ask yourself what you can and cannot live with. After this, you can try to negotiate and compromise until you have a situation with which you can both live. You can also re-evaluate the situation after a set period of time so that you don’t have to live with it forever.

Trial Separations, Divorce, Or Pausing Your Marriage: I know that this is the worst-case scenario for many wives. And I agree that it makes sense to try to delay or thwart this process. (I was separated.  It wasn’t fun.)

Common strategies are to ask him to wait to move out until you have a certain amount of time to try to work things out via counseling or other methods.

Or you can offer to move into a spare bedroom so that he has more space and freedom in his own home.

I know that neither of these options may sound great to you, but they’re much better than actually allowing him to move out. Because once he does, you don’t have as much control or access, which can make things a bit more challenging (but not impossible.)

If he won’t take these offers and insists on leaving or moving forward, try to get him to agree to see or speak to you regularly, so that at least you’ll have regular contact to work with.

I need to stress that a man who leaves or seeks more permanent freedom does not always mean the end of your marriage. Plenty of people navigate temporary marital breaks or separations and then reconcile. Sometimes, the marriage even improves as a result.  (I was one of those people.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

So please don’t panic, make demands, refuse to compromise, and make things worse. It helps to start with the easiest and less damaging solution and see if he will take it. Depending on his response, you’ll move forward  and adjust as you are able.

But always try to remain patient, optimistic, and reasonably accommodating. You want your husband to know that you’re still very invested in this marriage, that you want him to be happy, and that you’re willing to work with him. If he believes all of these things, he should be less motivated to leave the marriage.

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