Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One common reason I hear for couples struggling, separating, or taking a break is that their differences or opposite personalities just became too much to overcome. Interestingly, many people will admit with a little nostalgia that the differences used to spice up the relationship in the beginning, but lately, they have begun to drag it down. Sometimes things get so bad that the differences become the issue that one of the spouses will point to as the reason their marriage might end.

They’ll say something like, “my husband thinks that we should separate or take a break because we are just too different. And he is right that we have completely different personalities. But I don’t think that this is necessarily a deal-breaker. We’ve made it work before, and I believe that we could make it work again. Unfortunately, my husband seems unwilling to even try. He is very driven and ambitious, and I am more about living in the present instead of obsessing about the future. He is very serious, and I am very laid-back. I honestly used to think that we balanced one another out quite nicely, but my husband no longer agrees. He acts as if I’m a flighty, irresponsible hippy. And at times he can seem like an uptight stick-in-the-mud. I know that I’m being very dramatic about this, but my husband makes our differences seem personal. And I worry about our marriage too. I fear that my husband is sure that our marriage is ultimately doomed because of our differences. Sometimes, I think that I should have married someone else – someone more like myself. It’s too late now, and I don’t want to lose my husband, but it just feels like a constant uphill battle. Do we stand a chance?”

A Recent Study Indicates That The Personality Of Your Relationship Is Much More Important Than The Personality Of The Individuals Within It: I don’t think that the above marriage is doomed. I’ve always insisted that couples with different personalities can thrive if they create the right environment to do this. Thankfully, a recent study underscores these sentiments.

Researchers looked at almost 12,000 couples using machine learning, and found that couples found more satisfaction from the relationship itself rather than from the individuals in the relationship. Relationship quality was judged more by the personality of the relationship. While the personality of the other person only made up a tiny part of satisfaction (about 5 percent,) perceptions about the relationship made up about eight times that (forty-five percent).

The researchers noted, “People’s own judgments about the relationship itself—such as how satisfied and committed they perceived their partners to be, and how appreciative they felt toward their partners—explained approximately 45% of their current satisfaction.”

Over and over, relationship characteristics were much more important to both partners than individual traits. So what does this mean for your marriage and whether it can be satisfying and can survive despite your differences? It’s always been my opinion that you are better off spending your time cultivating the marriage you both want instead of focusing on your differences.

Creating The Relationship That Nurtures Both Partners As Both Individuals And As Part of A Couple: As I read it, this study strongly suggests that you should focus on creating an atmosphere of satisfying commitment. When you know that no one is going anywhere, it is much easier to iron out your differences because you are not working from a place of fear.

This study has made it pretty clear that it is the sum of the strong relationship that is the real draw. It is the shared jokes, the side glances, the common marital history, and the intimacy that matters – not the personalities that make up the two sums of this whole.

I believe that opposite personalities can still have this type of healthy, committed marriage. But you need to change the way you look at your differences. Rather than seeing them as a potential problem, you need to see them as a potential enhancement.

Notice that I said potential. It takes work to get to the point where your differences enhance your marriage. It requires acceptance and cooperation. But it is possible.

In my marriage, I am the serious one and my husband is the laid-back one. When our marriage is gelling and intimacy and connection are in sync, I see his personality as an asset to mine. He helps me to keep things in perspective and to see the world as a more open place. Likewise, he says that I keep him grounded. But, it is so much easier to keep this perspective when we work hard to stay connected. If that connection slips even a little, then our differences mean that we begin to get on each other’s nerves instead.

How To Start: You may think that you need to begin by looking at your differences and trying to find a happy middle point. I’d argue that you are better off putting your differences on the back burner and trying to connect despite them instead. Don’t make them your focus right now. Focus on re-connecting. Focus on having fun. Focus on creating laughter instead of tension.

Yes, I know that what I am asking is challenging when you already have a great deal of tension. But you can often start by backing off of the big issues and just focusing on very simple things on which you know that you can agree. You likely know your husband better than anyone else. Therefore, you know what he is most likely to respond favorably to. Sometimes, you have to entice him with interactions that wouldn’t be your first choice. That’s okay. You’re only trying to re-establish rapport and connection. Once you do that, then you’ll have more flexibility, but start where you can.

Stress a shared commitment. When you know that no one is leaving, you have the time and luxury of trying different things without needing to panic or get discouraged. Strive for patience, acceptance, and compassion.

We are all different, and that is one of the things that makes life divine. You get to live vicariously through the person you promised to love for the rest of your life. When you do this correctly, you can have a balance that you’d never have on your own. When you’re both in it together, you don’t need to be completely similar.

When my husband and I weren’t connected, our differences became a big issue among many.  We separated.  Thankfully, I changed my thinking and tried various strategies, some of which worked.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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