Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Understandably, many separated wives become extremely hopeful and excited when their husband asks them to accompany him on an outing. Even if it is as simple as getting coffee together, being asked out by your separated husband can feel like Christmas morning. But what happens if the outing doesn’t actually happen because the husband cancels? Should this negate all of the hope that the wife felt? Does his canceling mean that you shouldn’t feel hopeful after all?

A wife might say, “Maybe I’m overexaggerating, but I am really upset right now. After being separated for three months and having very limited access to my husband, he finally invited me to go to his mother’s for a family gathering. I was extremely excited to go, and hopeful that the invitation meant that my husband missed me and wanted to see more of me. But, the day before the event, my husband called and said that his mother wasn’t feeling well. So she’d called the gathering off. My first concern was for my mother-in-law’s health, but my husband assured me that she was fine. No other family members posted anything on social media, so I assumed that the event didn’t happen, and that he was telling me the truth. But then I started wondering why the cancelation meant that we didn’t see each other. Couldn’t we have gone out to dinner alone instead? I promised myself that I’d stop driving myself crazy worrying.  And about a week later, he did ask me for coffee. So I convinced myself that all was well. However, an hour before we were to meet, he called me and said that something else came up and he’d take a raincheck. I do not want to be negative when I interact with him, so I tried to understand. But deep down, I wanted to cry. It feels like it’s been so long since my husband wanted to see me. Admittedly, I built these encounters up in my mind. So my disappointment is magnified. But I worry that he is having second thoughts. One cancelation, I could understand. But now it is two. How do I proceed from here?”

I understand where you are. Every time I felt my own husband potentially back away during my separation, I panicked. I was sure that I’d lost my progress. And sometimes, my paranoia would cause me to pressure and therefore annoy my husband. So I believe that you are right to try to appear understanding. Because the truth is, you can’t know exactly what he is thinking right now (unless he tells you. ) And guessing or assuming the worst can deteriorate the situation even more.

A Look At The Potential Possibilities: There are a couple of potential possibilities here. The first is that his mother was legitimately ill and that something indeed came up before it was time to get coffee. This is entirely possible. And if this is the case, you don’t want to act suspicious or disappointed. That might put all of your progress at risk. You could just continue on as you have been, or you could wait for the next invitation.

The next possibility is that, for one of both of the outings, he did have some second thoughts. He may have thought it was possible that things would be awkward around his family, and he decided to spare you that. Or, maybe he didn’t really have an issue for coffee, but he had something else he wanted to do or he had the slightest hesitation.

Again, we just don’t know which of these is the accurate picture. But in time, we might. And, there is a way to try to nudge an answer, which I’ll describe below.

Deciding How To Proceed From Here: No matter what you do, do not panic and accuse your separated husband of lying or of having second thoughts. This will only make him defensive. You also don’t want to try to make him feel guilt or pity, as this may make him want to avoid you.

What you can do is that when things are going well during an upcoming conversation, ask him to join you for coffee. You’d simply say something like, “When can we schedule that raincheck? I’d love to catch up.”

He may immediately give you a time and place, and you might have a fabulous time. Or, he may have another excuse. If he does, then that would suggest that there might be an underlying issue. Again, you want to sound upbeat and understanding, but you might try, “Is something wrong that you’d like to share? I’m happy to listen.”

This invitation gives him the opportunity to disclose any reservations, so you could at least address them. Or, he might reassure you that there’s nothing going on, and that he truly does have some scheduling conflicts right now.

Regrouping And Remaining Positive When You Have Setbacks During Your Separation: Believe me, I know that this is disappointing. But don’t allow these setbacks to cause you to lose hope. I can’t tell you how many detours and delays I had during my own separation. And it always felt so devastating, but taking each set back as a permanent stop sign can damage the progress that you have fought so hard for.

I learned the hard way that the best strategy was to remain positive and to be patient. When I pressured my husband or showed extreme disappointment, I always ended up regretting it because I took two steps back.

This may well be temporary. Many setbacks during your separation are. And you only lose if you overreact or you allow this to make you give up. Do not give up. If you play your cards right, you can reschedule soon and the two cancelations will not matter when you are playing the long game.

If it helps, you can read about how I hung on during my own separation, (even when things looked dire) on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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