Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It can be very painful when your spouse suddenly wants space from you, or, even worse, a separation. But the pain is intensified when you realize that at least some of your spouse’s complaints are legitimate and that it may be too late to make things right. One example is when your husband accuses you of not appreciating him enough during your entire marriage, and you realize with a sinking heart that he is not completely wrong.

A wife might say, “honestly, I always knew that my husband was a very good man. That is one of the main things that attracted me to him in the first place. During all of life’s tribulations and challenges, he has always been a steady source of comfort and support. People would tell me how lucky I was to have him, and intellectually, I knew that this was true. But at the same time, I sometimes got the vibe that some people actually thought that my husband was the lucky one. I don’t mean to be vain, but people often tell me that I am very good looking. My husband will tell you that he is average looking. I think that this may have caused some tension in our marriage sometimes. A few months ago, my husband’s mother did not feel well. My husband took complete responsibility for her medical care. It took them way too long to diagnose her, but it turns out that she was very ill. And within weeks, she suddenly died. My husband downplayed the severity of this situation during the entire time. I offered support all along, but when his mother passed away, he suddenly felt resentment toward me because I didn’t help out enough – even though he told me that he would take care of everything. Now, he is saying that he feels like he needs ‘space.’ I asked him if this means that we are separating. He said not yet. But he is insisting that throughout our marriage, I have not appreciated and supported him enough and this thing with his mother is just one example. At first, I was defensive. But once I calmed down and thought about it, I realize that he has a point. I always allow him to be the one to take care of our major life issues. I feel awful about this, and I realize that he is right. But now I worry that it is too late. I worry that I am going to lose him, and I don’t know what to do.”

Your Husband’s Reaction Is Hurtful, But Not Uncommon: I’m sorry that you are going through this. Giving a spouse space is extremely scary, but please know that it is very common for someone to pull away and to question their life and their marriage following the serious illness or death of a parent. Unfortunately, people have a tendency to make drastic life decisions when they feel adrift in this way.

Share Your Important Realizations With Him. It May Not Be Too Late: You should absolutely discuss your realizations with your husband. Yes, he’s taking drastic action, but this doesn’t mean that he won’t eventually change his mind.

You might try something like, “after thinking very deeply about what you’ve said, I want you to know that in some ways, you are absolutely right. I got very used to you taking care of things because you did such a wonderful job of it. And, I got spoiled by you taking the lead. I should have just jumped in and supported you without being asked. I’m so sorry about this and if you give me the chance, I will prove to you that I am capable of equally contributing to this marriage. I do love and appreciate you more than I can express and I would like the opportunity to eventually prove that to you if you’ll allow it. I know that perhaps you need more time, but I am here whenever you are ready.”

Know that he may not take you up on this right away. He may need time to grieve and ponder what he wants moving forward.

Be Careful Of Pushing Before He Is Ready To Move Forward: I know that you want reassurance right now, but I can tell you from my own experience during my own separation that it is in your best interest not to push. I was eventually able to end my separation and save my marriage, but I saw absolutely no improvement until I accepted that I would have to move at a gradual pace, as my husband’s receptiveness allowed.

I realize that this requires a great deal of patience and compassion at a time when you’ve very afraid of losing your husband and therefore want a quick and favorable resolution. But pressing for this will usually mean that your husband will pull back and you’ll need to wait even longer.

Your best bet is to support him in any way that he will allow and to show him that you do appreciate him, that you know that he is absolutely worth waiting for and that you are willing to do just that. I know that this is a very difficult time, but often if you play your cards right with compassion and patience, you will be rewarded with a second chance. When you get it, do everything in your power not to take him for granted again.

I did get this second chance and believe me, I would never ever squander it.  If it helps, you can read about how I was able to pull this off at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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