Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are devastated by the announcement that their husband needs “space” or “time away” from the marriage. Many of us have the knee-jerk reaction of clinging more tightly. Although this is understandable, your husband may think that he’ll have to actually pull away even harder to get the space that he has asked for. 

It is also a mistake to use negative tactics to get him to see where he’s wrong. It’s normal to assume that once he takes time away, he will not want to come back. However, if you try to convince him that having this time is a mistake, or selfish, or silly, you run the risk of having him think that you don’t want him to be happy or to get what he wants. Once he perceives this, your job is going to be even more difficult. So, in the following article, I will discuss what I believe is the best way to respond to a husband who asks for space or time away when you’re hoping that he doesn’t need to take it after all. 

Listen To What He’s Actually Asking For. Know What Category You’re Dealing With: As wives, we often assume that as soon as our husbands want some time away from us, this is the beginning of the end. We dread what we fear is the inevitable – that he is only trying to ease us into the gradual end to our marriage. This is sometimes the reality of the situation, but that’s not always the case.

There are different categories of husbands who ask for space. Sometimes, husbands are struggling in other areas of their lives. This might be on a personal or professional level, where stress levels are very high. They sometimes perceive that having some time alone to think (without having to deal with or answer all of your questions or need for reassurances) will help. It is important to know the difference between this situation and the husband who is increasingly unhappy in his marriage. Because your response will obviously be very different. 

Admittedly, some husbands are at a crossroads in your marriage and know that they won’t be able to make a decision that isn’t influenced by you if they stay. They often feel that they need some time alone where they aren’t having to answer to you, or debate with you, or argue with you, or feel guilty that they are making you so unhappy and fearful.

Don’t Paint Yourself Into A Corner: When you beg them to stay or argue with them for asking for this time, you are falling right into the trap of making this worse. You’re already dealing with someone who is obviously conflicted and confused. Don’t make that worse by making him defensive too.

You want him to have the most positive perception of you and the marriage as you can manage right now. That’s not going to happen if you oppose or argue with him. Does this mean that you should just give him what he wants without any plan of action? No, it absolutely doesn’t. You’re still going to have a plan, but that plan involves making it appear that you’re going along with this because you love him and want for him to be happy. This places you in the best position so that you can work on what you really want.

Try To Offer Alternatives, Then Move To Plan B: In the best-case scenario, this request for some time away has just started. Sometimes, you can take proactive action by backing off a little bit and by not clinging so much. You can also just give him some time alone without his ever having to leave the house for an extended period of time. Or, you can offer to be the one to leave. You have more control over yourself coming back than you do with him coming back. Try to offer a plan that gives him space but doesn’t require him to actually leave.

If this is not possible and he’s determined to leave for a while, try to find a time when you can be calm and convincing and tell him in a very loving manner that although this saddens and scares you, you want for him to be happy and at peace. Stress that if this space is what it takes for that to happen, you’re willing to give him what he has asked for.  

If you can, schedule a time when the two of you will “check-in” every week. You don’t want to nag him or make him feel guilty at “check-in.” Instead, you are going to use this as an opportunity to make sure that you’re not out of sight and out of mind.

Remember when I said that his positive (rather than negative) perceptions are so important? Well, that is particularly true when he’s taking time away. Your goal is to have him see that the loving, light-hearted, vibrant, and alluring woman that he loved so much that he wanted to marry her is still very much present. You want him to come to the conclusion that he still very much wants you in his life. Ultimately, you want for this time away to reveal to him that he’s better off remaining married to you and having you in his life than he is in being alone. The best response to a husband’s request for space is always the response that leaves him with a favorable impression of you and your marriage. 

To that end, you want to paint very positive portraits of yourself every chance that you get. He must not think that you are at home and are sad, stuck, and incapable. He must know that you’re complying because you want him to be happy, but he must also know that you value your own happiness just as much. You will want to show him that you’re carrying on, going out with friends, and doing the things that are going to make you happy as well. This just reads so much more attractive than the clinging, insecure, and needy person who does not want for him to go because she is afraid that once he does, he will realize that he is better off without her.

When my husband wanted his space, I fell into the strategies I just warned you against. I did everything I could to stop him. I delayed, begged, argued, stalked, and engaged, but none of these things worked. Thankfully, I decided to approach things from another angle. You can read more about which tactics worked and which didn’t on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/