Leslie Cane Articles

Many separated wives worry about their husbands. Yes, they have plenty of reasons to worry about themselves. They, too, are hurting. They, too, are struggling. But, as they look around at the situation, they know that they are still themselves. But they cannot say the same about their husbands.

Someone might explain, “my husband and I have only been separated for about six weeks. However, it might as well as be six years, because our lives have changed so much. My husband used to be a kind man, a patient man, and very optimistic. Now he is extremely impatient, grouchy, and paranoid. We could always talk about anything, and now it is like pulling teeth to get him to confide in me about anything. He is borderline secretive. I know that we are separated, so I can’t expect for him to share everything with me, but he acts as if we are mere friends or acquaintances. I actually saw him lash out at a waitress at dinner the other night, which is something that he would never do. He was extremely rude and borderline condescending. However, when I tell him that he is not acting like himself, he gets extremely angry and defensive. I am worried about him. But he won’t let me help him. He denies that there is even a problem.”

I know how frustrating this must be. It is not uncommon for people dealing with a stressful issue (like a separation) to have personal struggles that manifest themselves as personality changes. I will admit that I was at my absolute worst when I was separated. My husband actually became kinder – to everyone but me. I believe that a break in the drama of our relationship was a relief to him, at least initially. But to me, it was devastating. That said, we did reconcile, (there’s more about that here) so seeing these types of personality changes does not always mean that your marriage is doomed. Below, I will go over some reasons that you might be seeing these behavioral changes and offer suggestions on how to handle them.

The Possibility of Detachment: Many people distance themselves from emotionally difficult situations as a defense mechanism or as a form of self-preservation. Perhaps your husband wants to back away from life right now because he doesn’t want to be hurt. Some people release their grip on their marriage when that same marriage is in jeopardy. This isn’t always a conscious decision, but it is a way to strike first. If you back away from the thing you fear losing, then it may hurt a little less.

Acting Out of Frustration And Negative Emotions: Another possibility is that your husband is acting out of the frustration he feels about his life changing dramatically. Although he may have even wanted the separation (or at least felt that it was needed,) that doesn’t mean that he isn’t lonely or frightened right now. Many people assume that as soon as the separation is official, it’s party time. The assumption is that the spouse who wanted the separation will now sow their wild oats or throw parties. Sometimes, the opposite is true. A separation can be incredibly scary and lonely. This can make even kind, patient people lash out as they struggle with the uncertainty that a separation can bring. The good news is that these personality changes are not typically permanent. As life stabilizes and hopefully your relationship improves, his behavior will become familiar to you again.

Unresolved Anger: The final possibility that I’d like to bring up is anger. If your separation has been nasty or the reason for the break is some sort of mistake or bad behavior, then your husband may be harboring anger and resentment, which you are now seeing in his behaviors. Fortunately, if you can mend your relationship, his behavior toward you (and others) may improve. I was very angry during my own separation because I felt rejected by my husband. And I took it out on nearly everyone in my life – even people who I loved and who had nothing whatsoever to do with my marriage. I did begin to recover long before my husband and I reconciled. But once we were back together, I was fully back to being myself. I am not exactly proud of my behavior, but I am being honest to demonstrate that it’s not unusual to see changes in behavior during stressful times.

How To Best Handle This: You have already seen that confronting your husband about his behavior only results in him being angry or denying it altogether. Therefore, it does no good to try to prove that you are right or to offer up examples of how he has “changed.” My husband tried this strategy with me and all it did was make me defensive. I was not thinking rationally at the time and there was no way that I was going to say, “you know, you’re absolutely right. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I am going to act correctly right away. I apologize for any inconvenience.” I know that this sounds sarcastic and silly, but I am trying to demonstrate that one’s mindset in this situation may not be rational or normal. So dealing with this in the way that you would normally deal with problematic behaviors may not work.

Instead, you can try to control the contributing factors surrounding you and your separation – the uncertainty, any nastiness, and anything left unsaid between you. Ultimately, all you can control is your part. You can’t control your husband’s inner life, his work, or his own thoughts. That is up to him. But you can try to lighten his load in areas that you control. And then you can be as supportive as possible while you wait for your situation to improve. When this happens, his behavior should improve.  The rest of my story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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