My Husband Wants A Separation Because He Says He Wants To Think About Himself For Once
By: Leslie Cane: An unfortunate truth is that often men who believe they want a separation also believe they are finally making themselves a priority after years of sacrifice. They’ll convince themselves that it’s time to consider their own needs for a change. This makes reconciliation a bigger challenge than it already is.
A wife might say, “my husband told me last month he wants to separate. He’s been trying to find a place all week. Initially, he wouldn’t discuss his thought process. But last night, I repeatedly asked him why he was doing this to us. He responded, ‘I’m finally thinking about myself for once. Am I not allowed to do this? Why can’t I think about my own happiness?’ At first, I did not understand what he was talking about, but the more I think about it, the more I believe he’s focused on the sacrifices we both made at the beginning of our marriage. We’ve both worked extremely hard to give our kids a nice home and a wonderful life. Sure, my husband could not pursue the career he wanted initially, but I’m pretty certain that now he is happy in his career. Yes, he drives a minivan rather than a muscle car. And he comes home to eat dinner rather than going out. But isn’t this true of most parents? Why does he want a medal for these things? And why does he think that they no longer make him happy now? Since he’s framed it this way, I do not understand how I am supposed to respond. I can’t say, ‘Well you don’t have the right to think about yourself.’ It seems as if he’s put me in a no-win situation.”
Seeking The True Meaning In His Words: Honestly, your husband’s assertions are not uncommon. His explanation is typical of the vague reasons you’ll often get when he’s seeking a separation. Examples are “I just don’t feel the same way.” Or “I just need time for myself.” Or “it’s not you. It’s me.” None of these things give you the type of specific information that you need to act. So, you must look past the words and assume that he’s not happy right now. He may think the separation will give him the space to decide what would make him more content. Or he wants to see if space MAKES him happy.
Positioning Yourself On The Right Side: You are right. You can’t very well say, “well it’s selfish of you to think of yourself when you’ve spent your adult life caring for us.” You would look selfish with this type of response. So, your only play is to act like the compassionate, concerned wife you truly are and see if you can validate him first and then negotiate second.
So, you might try something like, “Of course you may think of yourself. I would never want you to put yourself last. But, I would hope there is a way to think about the well-being of everyone. Surely, there is a way for you to prioritize your own needs without it devastating our kids. There must be a compromise here. We just need to find it.”
At this point, I would ask him if he would consider staying in the same house but moving to the spare bedroom or basement. This way, he gets his space without the kids having to see their dad leave the home and the expense or uncertainty of another place.
If he refuses this offer, then do your absolute best to get him to commit to regular visits and communications. The more access and communication that you have, the easier it will be to eventually reconcile.
It’s very important that he believes that you are on his side and that you are trying to partner with him to ensure his happiness rather than trying to convince him that he’s wrong or selfish. If he thinks that you are partnering with him, there is no need for him to avoid or thwart you.
Hoping For A Change In Perspective: He may well believe that he’s not the priority right now. So there is no harm in letting him attempt to “put himself first” to evaluate how this might feel, especially if he is remaining in your home. I’d be willing to bet that this will not be quite as blissful as he assumes. Once he has his fill of going out and shirking his parental responsibilities, he may well start to miss you and the kids and realize that you are also making sacrifices without complaint.
Sometimes, you need freedom and validation to get the perspective to see that you were wrong. I am hoping that this is the case here. Most people can’t just turn off their love for and concern for their family. He may want a momentary break, but once he gets it, he may find that he can shift his perspective (and the way he spends his time) to feel like a priority.
Sometimes, all it takes is giving yourself permission to prioritize your own self-care. Other times, this situation isn’t about your marriage. It’s often about your job or your place in the world. You feel disappointed and left behind. So you take this out on those closest to you. Wanting to “think about yourself” means that you want respect from the outside world. And your family is the easiest group from which to seek this.
Your Measured Response: Don’t panic. Don’t tell him that you also must think of others first while you come last (even though we both know that this is probably true.) Don’t insist that he is wrong. Just tell him you completely understand his wanting to be a priority and that you’re sorry he feels this way and that you want to help him. But ask that he works with you to minimize the impact this has on your kids and on your family.
Hopefully, this will allow you to strike a deal that is only temporary and allows you the access to actually improve things so that this crisis of his blows over quickly. I admit that I did panic when my husband sought a separation. This was a huge mistake. It meant that it took us much longer to reconcile and we almost divorced. You can read the whole story at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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