When Your Husband Says He Wants The Marriage To Work But Pulls Back
By: Leslie Cane: There can be many confusing moments when your marriage is in trouble. You may also deal with several setbacks if you’re in a trial separation. During that time, you may struggle to get your spouse’s cooperation. He may tell you he isn’t sure if the marriage is salvageable or if it is even worth attempting to work on it. However, sometimes with determination, concrete changes, and a little finesse, you can coax him into changing his mind. For many, this is an extremely happy day. Because after tons of effort and patience, you finally have his cooperation – at least that is what you thought. Until he pulls away again. Needless to say, this turnaround can be incredibly frustrating and confusing.
A wife in this situation might say, “my husband and I have been separated for 14 weeks. We did not speak for six of those weeks. That was my husband’s choice. He insisted that he wanted time completely away from me so he could evaluate his feelings. After that time, we talked once a week. At first, it was very awkward. But I hung in there. And I pushed for more but my husband was firm that he only wanted to talk initially. So I forced myself to be patient. Eventually, we talked twice per week. A few weeks after that, we saw one another every once in a while. In the meantime, one of our good friends was in a serious car accident. My husband and I sat in the hospital cafeteria for hours, hoping that everything would be okay. Our friend was fine, but during that time my husband said, ‘I realize that none of us know what will happen tomorrow and I don’t want things to keep going wrong between us. I feel that we owe it to ourselves to see if we can work on our marriage and fix this.’ I was over the moon. And I assumed that this meant that my husband would move back in. I was wrong. Not only has he told me he isn’t moving, but now he wants to go at a snail’s pace. I told him I’d make dinner for him tomorrow night, but his response was that he still wants to take this slowly. I asked him if he changed his mind about working on our marriage and he claims he has not. But he now he says he wants it to be a gradual process. I definitely feel him pulling away. At the hospital, he held my hand. He hasn’t touched me since. Does this mean we won’t reconcile after all?
Patience May Prevent Fear: I certainly don’t believe that this situation is hopeless or even dire. I definitely had many setbacks during my own separation, but I’m still married right now. There were several times when I pushed too hard and had to back up. It was heartbreaking every time, but I eventually trained myself to hold back. Because every time I pushed, my husband got scared. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t any hope. I learned to regroup and gave him time. I took what he gave me. I busied myself with the self-work that made me stronger so I could develop confidence while I was waiting.
Did I want him home immediately? Of course I did. I wanted that more than anything. But I also knew that every time I pushed and had to back up, it was very frustrating for both of us. So I decided that I would rather accept a gradual pace than continuing to start over. I advise this for you too.
Stay The Course. Hold Your Gains: Don’t throw away the progress you’ve already made. Don’t back completely up, but stop where you are. Don’t push. Go back to phone calls for a short period of time to see if that will inspire him to be more enthusiastic moving forward. Allow him to take the lead to keep from appearing to be the aggressor. I know you want to move quickly, but doing so comes with great risk.
It may be difficult, but the best thing you can do right now is to try to enjoy the ride. In the coming days and weeks, you will hopefully get to see and speak with your husband more than you have in a long time. This should be a happy and exciting time. Savor it. Try to get him to know him again. Try to be playful again. Keep things light. Laugh when you can.
If you accept that this process will be gradual and you allow it to take as long as it needs to, it becomes easier not to push. It’s simpler to go with the flow. Taking this approach will often mean that your husband will be less fearful and more willing to cooperate. Yes, this strategy means that you must move more slowly than you might like, but what you will gain will be more than worth it. Think of the long-term plan rather than the short-term gain. What you want here is a marriage that lasts for decades. This is worth the wait, the patience, and whatever else is required. During my own separation, there were days when I hated the slow pace. There were times when I had to literally force myself to slow down. This was painful. But I’m so glad I did it. I’d likely be divorced right now if I had continued to push. You can read more about how I struggled with this strategy but ultimately won here: http://isavedmymarriage.com
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