Leslie Cane Articles

A decent percentage of the wives who I hear from have a husband who they suspect is dealing with a midlife crisis. Yes, some of the men are younger than the stereotypical age you’d expect. But many wives can’t help but notice that they are dealing with a husband who suddenly rejects the very things that he once loved. He’s suddenly feeling tied down by being part of a family. He may hate the job that he used to enjoy. He may suddenly want to distance himself from the community activities that he used to throw himself into. He may seem restless or bored. Many of these husbands say and do very hurtful things to their wives during this crisis. They may just symbolically reject their wives. They may push for a separation. And some can be even downright cruel.

Understandably, these wives are hurt by their husband’s behavior. Many of them have no point of reference because they still love (and want) their comfortable life and they really don’t see anything wrong with it. Because of this, they struggle to understand their husband’s point of view. And then, suddenly, their husband can agree with them. One day, he can “come out of” the midlife crisis and finally see reality for the first time for a very long time. Many of these husbands realize that they’ve made some very painful mistakes and they seek forgiveness from their wives and from their children. But it can be hard to just pretend that this never happened when you were on the receiving end of some pretty harsh treatment.

A wife might say, “there is no doubt in my mind that for the last two years, my husband has been in a horrible midlife crisis. He started out by complaining about the little things all of the time.  Then it was his job. Then it was his parents and siblings. Then it was me. And eventually, it was even the kids. Every little thing annoyed him. He spent as little time as possible at home and began going out with people who I really didn’t approve of. However, my husband did not care because he didn’t value my opinion anymore. Eventually, he did not even try to hide hide his disdain of me and he asked for a separation. He actually had the gaul to suggest that he stay in the house while I move out with the kids. When I told him that this wasn’t going to work, he relented. While he’s been ‘finding himself,’ he has really been an absentee father. I can’t claim that he did not make any effort to see the kids. He did. But he wasn’t deeply involved in their lives. He didn’t always know what was going on with them. This devastated my kids. I am sure that they felt as rejected as I did. When we would see and spend time with my husband, it would be awkward and strained. I’m sure that he saw other women. I suspect that they were younger and thinner. I really don’t know because he just wasn’t honest and open during this time frame. Honestly, I was getting ready to write my husband off, (although the thought of this devastated me because I didn’t want for my kids to go through a divorce.) And just as I was about to call my husband and tell him that I’d had enough, he actually called me and asked if he could see me. Then he came over and asked for the kids to join us. He actually got down on one knee, started crying, and begged for our forgiveness. He said that he’s embarrassed of his behavior and now he sees that he really had it all but that he made the mistake of walking away from it. Then he asked to come back home. I was stunned. There was really no warning for this. In the beginning of our separation, I would have done anything for my husband to want to come back home. And part of me wants him back now, but gosh, am I angry. I can’t ignore the fact that this man selfishly turned the life of his family upside down. And now we are just supposed to forgive him? Just like that? What is to stop him from doing this again? Of course, my kids got all excited and of course they want their father to come back home. Deep down, I do too. But will I ever be able to forgive him?”

In my opinion and experience, that really does depend. Whether or not resentment remains depends upon how much you are able to heal from this. I think that it would potentially be a very big mistake to let him move back in tomorrow and then pretend like all of this never happened. Because it DID happen. And damage was done. To heal the damage, you should get to enjoy a relatively happy and stable marriage with a husband who demonstrates how valuable you are to him. But it might be hard to get to that place without your husband figuring out what lead him to his thought process in the first place. Sure, many husbands have a midlife crisis. But many do not. And it’s important to figure out what made your spouse so restless and dissatisfied so that he can fix these issues and not have to deal with them again. In my own experience from my own separation, the anger and lack of forgiveness are most likely when your marriage isn’t going well or you are unsure of your spouse’s feelings. However, if you can get your marriage on very solid footing to where you are both happy, then it becomes much easier to believe in your marriage again. And if you have a spouse who is demonstrating how much he values that second chance that you have given him, then it becomes more difficult to hold onto that anger and it becomes easier to forgive. But it does take healing, which does in turn takes time. In my experience, there just is no way to rush it. But once it is complete, it’s worth it because it feels like a huge weight is lifted from your shoulders. You can read more about my own journey to a reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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