Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s an awful feeling when you know that a marital separation might be on the horizon. It’s an even worse feeling when you suspect that your spouse is strongly hinting that you should be the one to leave. Often, this is your home and where you feel the most comfortable. And, assuming that you are still invested in your marriage, you can intuitively know that once you leave, it may be difficult to find a way back.

Someone might explain: “my husband is not being at all shy about telling me that he is pretty sure that he wants a separation. He is very fond of telling me how very unhappy he is. Last night, he said that I had to know that we were headed for a separation and he stated that when this happens, he is pretty sure that I am the one who should move out. My husband was renting our house when I met him. However, when we got married, we bought the house together. So I can see how he thinks that this was his house for longer than it was mine, but I have been making joint payments on it for years. More than that, though, it’s my home and I do not want to leave. I also do not want to walk out on my marriage. I am not even thinking mostly about finances right now. I am thinking that if I leave, I might end up divorced and that is definitely not what I want.”

“I can’t point to any big problem that we have. It’s just that we have grown apart and we seem to annoy one another and then fight over stupid things. But no one committed any deal breakers or anything. So I just do not understand why I can not at least try to work it out. It seems very premature to just assume that I’m going to willingly leave my home. He’s heavily hinting that I should leave, but I certainly don’t want to. The mortgage is in both of our names. And I really don’t want to leave the only home that I’ve known for years.”

Why Moving Out May Feel Premature: I don’t blame you. I’m not an attorney and would not dream of giving legal advice. But from a relationship standpoint, I would think that it would be in your best interest to stay put, if at all possible. I know that in some cases, this is not feasible as the situation has become toxic or even dangerous, but that does not seem to be the case here. It simply sounds as if you and your husband are not clicking in the way that you used to, so your husband is starting to think that it would make the most sense to live apart.

I think that the word that you’re already used which best describes the situation is “premature.” If you haven’t yet tried giving your husband space while the two of you still live together, or you haven’t tried counseling (or at least talking about what needs to happen in order to improve things,) then I would agree with you that it’s very premature.

In my own observations, once someone moves out, it’s more difficult to reconcile simply because you no longer have the proximity to one another. Your spouse can avoid you if he wants and then you’re left to make unfortunate and worrisome assumptions, which can only increase the distance and awkwardness between you. That’s not to say that you can’t reconcile after living apart. I did it, but I believe that it was made more difficult by the living arrangements.

Having a Candid Conversation: I don’t think that it would hurt to share your hesitation with your husband. That’s certainly a better option than just moving out and praying that you will one day be able to move back in, with no guarantees. I would try something like: “I don’t necessarily agree that we need to be headed toward a separation or even living separately. I understand that things aren’t great, but we haven’t even tried to work it out. There are many things that could be tried before we make the very drastic and life-altering decision to break up our marriage. Speaking of life-altering, I also don’t agree with just picking up and leaving my home. If you think that we need space from one another, then I certainly believe that this could be accomplished by occupying different parts of the house for a while. I do not like the idea of just leaving before we’ve even tried to make things right. I am willing to do whatever is necessary to make things good again. I believe that this is possible. And I definitely don’t believe that just throwing up our hands and one of us packing our bags is the right solution. That sounds very premature to me. Why don’t we brainstorm some things to try first?”

Then, listen to what he has to say. He may have just been testing you when he suggested that you move out. Perhaps he will be receptive to trying to improve things before you move toward a separation. I can tell you first hand that a separation is very difficult emotionally. (You can read about mine at https://isavedmymarriage.com) If you can avoid it, that would certainly be best. You can certainly save your marriage if you separate, but why go through that if you don’t have to?

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin