Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of wives who are dealing with husbands who have announced that they don’t want to live together anymore. Some of these husbands want to pursue a divorce. Some want a separation. Others just want “a break” or “some space.” And a few want to remain married but would prefer to live apart and under separate roofs.

There is one thing that many of these wives have in common. They want to know what their husband is thinking. They want to know what would make a husband suddenly want to discard his cozy, warm, and loving home and live on his own. This feels like a serious rejection and something that could become permanent. Many of these wives say things like: “I do not understand my husband’s thought process. I don’t deny that we have been having martial problems. No one can deny that. Things have been very tense in our house. However, we’ve had issues before and we’ve been able to work through them. No matter how bad things get between us, I would never abandon my husband or move out. I am mature enough to stay put and to fight through it. Plus I am practical enough to know that paying for two homes is just silly. Things don’t need to be that extreme. But my husband apparently thinks that things are so intolerable that this is exactly what we need to do. He’s rented a cheap, studio apartment in a not-so-great part of town. He won’t say that we are separated. And he swears that he hasn’t contacted an attorney. But when I ask him why he’s going to these extremes, he will only say that he thinks that we need some time apart. He will give me no specifics. He will only talk in generalities about how he feels that this is what he needs to do. My neighbor and her husband remained married but lived apart for five years because they could not get along. I pray that this is not my future. I don’t understand what would make one spouse want to live apart from another. Can you explain it to me?”

I will do the best that I can. I freely admit that I never had this thought process myself. I very much wanted to save my marriage and to stay together under the same roof. It was my husband who insisted on living apart, at least for a little while. Because of that, I’ve talked to some men and have done a good deal of research on this. I can share what I’ve learned. Below are some of the common reasons that men will give for wanting to live apart from their wives.

A Living Situation That Needs To Temporarily Change: In some situations, things have become so tense at home that a husband would rather live somewhere strange and small than to continue to live with tension and drama in a familiar setting. Sometimes, he just reaches his level of tolerance for the fighting and he wants a break from it. Even though he knows that any change is going to cause additional expense and pain, he convinces himself that it will all be worth it so that he doesn’t have to continue to experience the turmoil. Plus, he figures that if he can pause things for a little while, maybe things will calm down and improve.

He Wants You To Take His Wishes Seriously: Many men take the very drastic measure of moving out as a way to play hard ball. They are trying very hard to get your attention because they are trying to bring about some change and they have come to believe that it is going to take something very drastic to bring about this change. If there is any good news with this scenario, it’s that sometimes if the change happens before they actually move out, they won’t actually leave. Or if it happens soon after they leave, they will consider coming back.

A Change In Perception (Which Often Occurs At Midlife) Encourages Him To Think That He Might Be Happier On His Own: Many men begin to change their perceptions when they take inventory of their lives at midlife. While many of us call this a midlife crisis, men who are dealing with it see it as almost an awakening. Many believe that they are honestly taking stock of their lives and discarding what no longer works. Some of them go through a phase (which is hopefully temporary) where they think that their marriage is part of the problem. Some of them move out and come to realize that they were wrong in this perception. But they often will insist on moving out so that they can see for themselves.

If your husband is thinking he no longer wants to live with you or has already moved out, try not to panic. Because panic will sometimes cause you to take action that you will later regret. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to be calm, to be patient, and to know that sometimes this passes on its own. In the meantime, you don’t want to take a hard stance that is going to cause your husband to avoid you or to argue with you. Instead, you want him to feel comfortable and encouraged to reach out to you, because this is what is going to pave the way for a reconciliation later on. Not all moves like this one are permanent. Many are not. But it can be important that you play this correctly.

I was where you are today and I most definitely did not play it correctly.  I tried to guilt my husband into coming back.  When that didn’t work, I was combative, so he simply avoided me.  I dug such a hole for myself that it was very hard to change course.  But I eventually did.  And this change in strategy helped me save my marriage.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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