Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of wives who firmly feel that their husband’s state of mind has a lot to do with their current marital separation. Many could not help but notice that their husband became depressed and unhappy just before he pushed to separate. Of course, these wives are concerned not only for their husband, but for their marriage as well. And they worry that his depressed state of mind will impede a reconciliation.

Someone might say: “I will admit right off the bat that my husband has never been a bubbly, happy person. I would never call my husband an optimist. But before now, I never would have called him a pessimist, either. He’s just really realistic and matter-of-fact. And that’s okay because I was always really optimistic and upbeat so we balanced each other out. But for the past six months or so, there has been no balancing him out. He’s gone beyond realistic and even beyond pessimistic. Frankly, he seems depressed. And there hasn’t been some awful thing that has happened. No one has died or lost their job. I think that his job responsibilities are becoming more and more stressful as he takes on more and more important tasks, but I think that this is true of everyone. Along with his depression came his dissatisfaction with our marriage. It seemed as if he suddenly thought that everything in his life was terrible or needed some serious improvement. He told me that he was going to move out for a while, but he has kept his promise to keep in touch. He seems to really want to talk to me and to depend on our conversations, even. When I’m not available, he gets antsy as though I ground him or something. However, it’s not as if he appreciates this like he should because when I ask him about coming back home, he always refuses and says that he’s no good to anyone right now. I am going to go to counseling on my own and I have asked him to get his own counselor, but he denies that there is any major problem. In his mind, he’s just going through a rough period in life right now, which he will eventually get over. But my friends say that they feel like his depression will be the end of our marriage because they say they’ve never seen a depressed man come back home and then be happy in his marriage again. They say that once he becomes unhappy and depressed, he stays that way. Are they right?”

I do not think that one bout of unhappiness sentences anyone to a lifetime of unhappiness, although I do concede that some people have a hard time getting over the hump. That’s why I applaud your willingness to seek counseling. It’s interesting that your husband seems to need to talk. This is important information. It’s unfortunate that he’s only willing to talk to you and not to a counselor. I would ask him if he would accompany you when you go to counseling, in the hopes that he will become comfortable with your counselor so that he might eventually go on his own. If not, then perhaps your counselor can incorporate some of his issues into your sessions (especially if you discuss it with your counselor ahead of time.) I have seen people make a complete, 180-degree improvement with their depression and unhappiness due to counseling. I’ve also seen them return to their marriages once they realize that their marriage wasn’t really the problem in the first place. Often, they are basically looking to the person closest to them on whom to assign some of the blame, because that is just the most convenient target. Often, the separation will eventually show them that removing that person isn’t necessarily fixing their unhappiness. I suspect that your husband may be experiencing this already (even if he doesn’t realize it,) demonstrated by his need to talk to you in order to unburden himself of some of his issues.

If he resists calling this depression, I don’t think that you necessarily need to push or to demand that he admit that he’s depressed and struggling. Instead, you want to be very supportive, since depression can be very serious. If he is comfortable talking to you, then keep listening, but always try to steer him toward a professional, who is better qualified to help him – even if that means taking him along on your own visits. No one wants to admit that they are struggling or might be depressed, but most people will accompany their spouse to an appointment if asked. To answer the original question, though, yes, I have seen depressed spouses eventually come back home once they work through some issues or realize that “home” and “marriage” wasn’t the original problem in the first place. Typically, though, they will realize this more quickly and enthusiastically if they have counseling or at least some help with identifying and then working on the core issues. Many of us just don’t have the self awareness or expertise required to get ourselves over the hump all alone. And that is where a loving spouse comes in – to help steer him in the direction that he needs to go while offering support and understanding.

Neither my husband’s nor my own state of mind was ideal before and during our separation.  There was a lot of stress and perhaps this contributed to us taking so long to finally get it together.  Through my own determination, we thankfully eventually reconciled. There’s more at at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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