Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Lately, I’ve been noticing wives describing husbands who are suddenly questioning their life as someone who is having an “identity crisis.”  This process used to be called a “midlife crisis,” but since it is happening to people who are younger (and since it is now not always men or husbands who are experiencing it,) the phenomenon  is increasingly called an “identity crisis” or some variation on this phrase.  No matter what you call it, though, it can be very troubling when you have a spouse going through it.  And if things get really bad or go on for too long without a resolution, it can sometimes jeopardize your marriage.

Someone might describe a situation like this one, or something similar: “my husband is only twenty five years old, which is about two decades too early for a midlife crisis.  Nonetheless, this appears to be what is happening.  When I mention this, he tells me that identity crisis is more the correct term.  He says he feels as if he has the life that he never wanted.  Suddenly he chose the wrong major in college, now has the wrong job, and thinks that perhaps he might want a separation.  He says that he feels as if he is just chasing things that don’t really matter.  He also feels that he isn’t adding value to the world.  Now he’s talking about selling everything that he owns and living in a third world country so that he can ‘be of service.’ He’s even mentioned separating because he now thinks that we got married too young. Frankly, I would think that this were admirable if he did not have responsibilities at home.  What about me and his aging mother?  What about his student loans and the home for which we have just signed a lease?  I actually love my job and don’t want to just pack up and go to some strange place with no job and no plan. And frankly, I’m not sure if this is even an option since he started talking about a separation.  Is this going to blow over?  What if it doesn’t?  Because it sounds as if my husband is getting ready to just leave his entire life behind due to this ‘identity crisis.'”

Our Changing World: I hear more and more about situations like this all of the time.  I also have people tell me that they think that their spouse is selfish or immature to think in this way. Many will say that they never saw their dad or grandfather ask these types of petty questions. People often wonder why this “identity” or “midlife” issue is becoming so prevalent.  I think that part of it is that we have more choices today.  Our fathers and grandfathers lived in economic times where they were just trying to get food on the table or to keep a job.  Some had to fight in wars where survival wasn’t a given. They might not have had the luxury to question things in the way that many of us do today.  They were just happy to have a paying job or some sort of stability and safety.  They did not have the luxury of asking whether or not that job was what they were meant to do or if contributed to the world.

Looking At Alternatives To A Total Life Change Or A Separation: None of this is to say that your husband concerns are selfish or aren’t valid.  It’s not his fault that he has more options than previous generations.  The real question is how he chooses to act on these options.  For some men, this does pass over.  They eventually find more job satisfaction or they learn to “make a difference” in local ways that work with their current schedule.  For example, they can keep their job and work with local charities.  Or do humanitarian efforts on their vacations.  Many find this to be very fulfilling and, even better, this does not require them just to uproot their lives (or yours.)

Using Caution In Your Approach: I know that it might be tempting to tell him that he’s being selfish or to insist that he just be a grown up.  But, that’s only likely to make him defensive and more dissatisfied.  I learned the hard way that the best bet is often to show support and then to try to gently suggest some of the alternative options that I mentioned above.

You might try something like: “I think that it’s wonderful that you want to be of service.  Your giving heart is one of the things that I love most about you. It’s very admirable that you want to make a difference.  But I’d suggest doing things in stages since there are other issues – like your mother – to think about.  Perhaps we could start by finding ways to be of service here.  Then we could research ways that we could reach out to other areas.  That would allow us to help almost immediately without needing to make any huge changes all at once.”

Honestly, if you can get him engaged and feeling like he has made a difference, he may stop talking about dissatisfaction with your marriage. Its very common for people having this sort of crisis to suddenly turn on their marriage, when it isn’t actually the problem.  With that said, if he THINKS that the marriage is the problem, (or even a contributing factor,) then you have to tread lightly.  And you have to be honest about any changes that might be beneficial to your marriage for right now. Make your marriage as strong as you can possibly make it and be supportive, while trying to guide him to causes closer to home.  Hopefully, he will soon find his place and his restlessness will ease.  And because you were supportive and understanding, you will not have made matters worse and will have positioned yourself as the spouse who was supportive and who didn’t tell him that he was being selfish or silly (since no one wants to hear that.)

I honestly think that my husband’s restlessness greatly contributed to our separation. I wish that I’d been more supportive and had offered alternatives rather than just panicking.  It might have changed the fact that we separated for a while.  Luckily, I found a way to reconcile, but not without a lot of pain first.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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