Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It is normal to want to stay very busy when your spouse has moved out for a trial separation.  To put it frankly, you just don’t want to have too much time to think about the painful things that have been going on in your life.  But, if you have been married for a while (or even if you are raising or have been part of a family,) you may well be hard-wired to take care of others.  Wives who truly want to use this time to work on themselves and to keep busy may find themselves tempted to do activities that are still focused on the marriage or on their spouse.  This is understandable.  I did this also. You want to keep your husband close to your heart.  You want to feel as if you are still married.  But you often wonder what your husband might think of your activities.

Examples are a martial scrapbook or even a mix tape.  A wife might do these things on her own and then find that perhaps they elicit certain feelings in her. Or she may wonder if she should share her activities with her husband.  For example, she might say: “my husband moved out about five weeks ago.  I have been pretty sad about it, but I saw it coming.  My husband was very honest about the fact that he was so unhappy. So it wasn’t like I didn’t have time to prepare myself.  I will say that once he actually left, there were a few very hard weeks.  I’m a bit more used to it now, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.  Sometimes when I try to reach out to him, I can tell that he’d rather be left alone, so I try to stay busy. I’ve repainted several rooms in our home and I’ve been organizing.  One of my projects is organizing all of our pictures.  So of course as I’ve been going through our photos, I notice pictures of our lives together.  So I’ve taken some out, had them copied, and am making a scrapbook of my favorites.  I showed it to one of my friends and she is telling me that I shouldn’t be dwelling on our wedding pictures when I don’t know if we are going to be married in a month’s time.  She said I’m only drawing my attention to something that is painful.  It isn’t ALWAYS painful.  Some of the photos make me happy. But I understand what she is trying to say.  Should I not keep the scrapbook?  Should I not give it to my husband?”

Knowing The Difference Between Memory And Rumination: While I can’t answer these questions for you, I can certainly give you some things to think about.  Your friend is probably concerned that by keeping the scrapbook, you are finding a way to ruminate about and dwell on the separation.  I know that when I was at the lowest point in my separation, I used to listen to the same songs over and over.  I didn’t realize how this depressed me until I quit.

However, if you find the scrapbooking uplifting and it is not keeping you from doing other productive things, then I do not really see the harm in it.  With that said, I can see how it would be easy to dwell on the photos at times, though you could argue that the pictures could also be used for inspiration in the right circumstances.

Gauging How Your Husband Might React: As far as to whether to show the scrapbook to your husband or not, I think that would depend on how you perceive that he would take it.  Some husbands are just as unsure about the situation and as lonely as you are and they may actually be receptive to it.  But many husbands have pursued separations because they want space.  These husbands typically are not the type who like to be pressured, so husbands in this category are less likely to be receptive and may mistake your kind gesture as an attempt at manipulation and pressure.  I think that it might be best to hold off until you’re absolutely sure that it’s a gift that he would either love or accept in the way that it was intended.  Overcoming his distance is sometimes hard enough without a taking a step backward because he misread you.

I think that the bottom line is that if you find the scrapbook therapeutic rather than depressing, then it’s really your business and yours alone.  Nothing says that you have to share it with your husband – or anyone else, for that matter.  There are no hard and fast rules for living through a separation.  I personally say give yourself permission to do those things that give you comfort or pleasure.  Sure, not everyone will always understand, but that’s why it’s your life and your marriage.  You get to make the decisions.

I did sometimes go down memory lane during my own separation.  After a while though, I realized that most of the time, the memories made me feel worse rather than better, although I know that this is very individual and that everyone may experience this differently.  I think the key is to do what works for you.  As long as the scrapbook isn’t impeding you in other ways, then I don’t think you need to answer to anyone about it.  If it helps, you can read more about how I got through it (and eventually ended up reconciled) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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