Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives assume that, once their husband moves out, they will still be able to spend a good deal of time together. When he pulls back or limits his availability, it can be very disappointing. And the wife may spend a great deal of time (and experience a lot of anxiety) analyzing why he doesn’t want to see or interact with her more than he does.

Many wives will respond to this void by attempting to push their husbands for more time together. Although he may comply at first, this rarely goes well for the long term. The reason for this is that separated husbands often are determined to have some space. So they want to be able to set the pace and the tone without being pressured.

This is why many wives will experience “push back” when they try to get their separated husband to call more or to spend more time with them. After a while, these wives (and I was one of them) begin to realize that they have to tread very lightly when it comes to the quantity of their interactions. Many realize that they have to focus on quality rather than quantity. And over time, they can become afraid to get their hopes up or to ask for any more.

That’s why they can be surprised and unsure of how to process it when their husband FINALLY starts asking to spend more time with them. They can start to second guess this, analyze it, and overthink it.

A wife might ask: “when we first separated, we saw each other on Friday nights for two weeks. I had hoped that this would continue on during what I hoped would be a short separation. But my husband abruptly put a stop to these meetings, saying that he needed more space. I didn’t willingly accept this at first. It really hurt my feelings. So I only increased my attempts to communicate and then things got heated because my husband felt that I wasn’t listening to him. Then he didn’t call for a long time. I was scared to call him for a while, but at some point I couldn’t stand it anymore. When I finally got him, he was terse and cold. I finally got the hint that I should stop pushing, but it hurt. And I was sure that he was trying to train me to not have any expectations from him. I was sure that he was going to start moving further and further away from me. In fact, the only time we really saw one another was during interactions related to our families. I tried to make the most of these family gatherings and things always were pleasant during those times, but then I wouldn’t really hear much afterward. But last week my husband called and he’s been calling every day or so. We’ve actually gone to lunch twice this week. I want to feel encouraged. I really do. But I guess I’m so scarred from those early days when he pulled away from me that I always hesitate to get my hopes up in any way. My neighbor says that it is safe to feel encouraged by this. Is she right? Could it possibly mean that we are getting back together?”

I totally know how you feel. I got such sparse and tense interactions from my husband for so long that when I finally got some positive interactions (that he shockingly initiated) I didn’t think that I could trust this. I kept looking for the “catch.” I kept waiting for the shoe to fall. My inclination was to move slowly at first. But that feeling quickly left me because I got so excited. I was so starved for affection from my husband that I got ahead of myself. I knew that it was a mistake, but I couldn’t seem to help it. Of course, my husband felt pressured and backed away.  And having to undo that mistake took unnecessary time and turmoil. However, we did reconcile. So yes, I think that in many cases, starting to see more of one another is a good sign.

Acknowledge How Far You’ve Come, But Appreciate That There Is Still More Work To Do: If you look at how far you’ve come, it’s very hard to deny that you are making progress. And there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that. I understand the need to temper your enthusiasm. And it’s not a bad idea to not get overly excited.

In my experience, there are many hurdles to cross and steps to take before you successfully reconcile. But this can be the first step. I learned that it is best to be receptive, enthusiastic, and upbeat, while not just assuming that everything is all shored up. Yes, you’ve likely taken the first few steps toward a reconciliation, but it is only the first few steps. (Still, every journey begins with a single step.)

You don’t have to deny your relief and happiness.  And it sounds as if you’ve done a great job of making the most of the time that you have with your husband.  This has likely caused him to want to see more of you. So there is no reason not to continue on in the same way. Just don’t get ahead of yourself and take things as they come. But the short answer to the question is yes, in my opinion and experience, this is a reason to be hopeful. But there is still a ways to go.

I don’t mean to be a naysayer.   I do think that there are concrete reasons to feel encouraged.  But I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t tell you the whole of my experience.  Yes, his showing interest was a great thing in terms of our separation.  But I managed to mess it up anyway.  So avoid my mistakes and keep building on your progress. There’s more at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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