Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s normal to over analyze nearly everything when you are separated but do not want to be. This is especially true if you were hoping for a quick resolution but you now suspect that things aren’t going as well as they could.

It’s human nature to be absolutely sure of the situation when things are going wrong, but to be unsure of it when things are going right. Because so much is at stake, you don’t to be wrong. And if things have been going wrong for a while, it can be hard to believe that there is actually progress being made.  You can begin to wonder if you are just seeing things that aren’t there because you are so hopeful for a reconciliation.

Here’s an example. Someone might say: “my husband and I have been separated for three months. He is the one who did this. He is the one who wanted it. For the first couple of months, we did not speak at all. Now we are speaking, but the conversations are not exactly loving. We are polite and we participate in small talk, but this is so different from the way that we used to interact when things were good between us. My husband just asked me to go to his mother’s birthday party and I’m very happy about that. But my cousin says that I am getting excited way too fast. She said that you can’t count politeness as real progress. Is she right? How do you know that you’re making progress during your separation?”

I can give you some signs that I’ve seen when progress is made. I am not a therapist, but these are my observations. And I think that there are different degrees of progress. When you start with no where to go but up, then even small steps forward can be legitimate progress. In that sense, I disagree with you cousin. I don’t think that you can deny that progress is being made. What your cousin may have actually meant is that progress takes a while and that you may be at the beginning of the process. But that’s OK.  Any progress is reason for celebration. Below, are some signs that you can watch out for to indicate progress. This may make you feel better and give you some confidence that what you are experiencing is not just wishful thinking.

Things Feel Less Awkward And Forced: When you initially separate, it can almost feel like you are dealing with a stranger. It seems weird that you feel as though you have to tip toe around your husband since you don’t know what he’s feeling or what he wants. Where the relationship used to feel so effortless and easy, it now feels forced.

When you start to see real progress, things begin to feel just a bit easier between you. Although you may not know how things are going to turn out, you no longer have to worry that every conversation is going to be a disaster.

You Find That Your Husband Is Making An Effort To Reach Out To You: Initially, it can feel as if you are the one who is doing all of the work, doing all of the giving, and making all of the concessions. Honestly, in the initial stages of my own separation, there were times when I felt like a stalker. I’m partially kidding, but it felt like my husband didn’t want much to do with me and that it was me who couldn’t take a hint. It was always me who called. It was always me who remembered important dates and occasions. If we were going to communicate in any way, it was going to be me who took the initiative.

Once we made a little bit of progress, he started to call me occasionally. With a little more time, he started to call more regularly and took the initiative toward face to face meetings. I no longer was solely responsible for all interactions.

It can take some time to get to this point. It can be very gradual. So if you aren’t there yet, you don’t need to feel discouraged. Remember that it is often a matter of degrees and that every journey begins with a single step.

You Begin To Evaluate, Try To Improve Your Relationship, And Gain Some Confidence As A Result: This is often the last step before a reconciliation and this can take a while. But once things are going well between you and it’s pretty obvious that both people are invested and committed to reconciling, you get to a point where you unite in order to fix the issues in your marriage.

I highly recommend not rushing this step. It should wait until the very end. Because when you are separated but making progress, your reconciliation attempts may still be quite fragile. It is better to go slowly than to risk the progress that you have made.

This might seem a long way off and that’s OK. This is usually a gradual process, but believe it or not, that’s to your benefit. Rushing sometimes leads to regression and a lack of confidence. This is not what you want. Instead, you want to make slow and steady progress that ensures confidence and lasting stability.

Believe me, I was very tempted to try and rush my own separation so that I saw progress.  But every time I even slightly attempted this, it turned into a disaster.  I had to consciously slow myself down before I was able to make true progress.  The rest of the deals are on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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