Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Often, even the most optimistic of people who are going through a martial separation know in our hearts that it could very well end in divorce. We’ve all known a couple who began the process with a separation but who eventually filed for divorce and began the process of ending their marriage. This happens to good people and couples who once loved one another all of the time.

So even when you vow to start the separation process fighting to save your marriage, you are fully aware that this may well end in divorce. But when time goes by and your spouse doesn’t file for one, you can be relieved, confused, and concerned all at the same time. While you’re extremely thankful that there’s no divorce so far, you can wonder why. And you are often afraid to ask.

A wife might explain: “my husband seemed as if he could not even stand the sight of me when he moved out. We’d been fighting horribly. Most of our problems stem from money, but also, he is another person when he’s under a great deal of stress and I resent this. So then I lash out at him in retaliation. When he moved out, he basically told me that he was saving his money so that he could afford to get a better place for the kids to visit before he divorces me. His own dad lived in an awful apartment when his parents divorced and my husband does not want this to happen to our kids. I had no idea how long it was going to take him to save up. The place where he’s living now barely cost anything. And he makes decent money. But months have gone by and he hasn’t filed and he has not mentioned filing. I can’t imagine why he would not have filed. Although we have made progress and aren’t fighting as much as we did, things are still difficult between us. We have our good days and bad days. I don’t see a reconciliation in our immediate future. So why would he not be pushing for divorce? Frankly, I am scared to ask him. I would hate to ask him and then have him file. I’d rather sit here and wonder at his motivations and still be married than to ask him and have him file.”

Any guess that I would make about your husband’s motivations would only be a guess. But not everyone separates with the intention of filing for divorce. And even those that do sometimes change their minds for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, they find that they miss their spouse and would rather be open to a reconciliation than to make this void permanent. Other times, they find that the issue that they thought they could not live with is either an issue that could be fixed or one that isn’t as unlivable as was initially thought. Other times, they do not want to file for divorce too quickly and regret it later.

I understand your reluctance to ask him. I had the same reluctance. I do think that there are ways to ask without it turning into an argument, but the other strategy is to be grateful that he hasn’t yet filed and to try to use this delay to your advantage.

You said that things have improved, but it seems that there is still work to do. Perhaps ask yourself what has brought on those improvements. Have you changed your attitude or approach? Can you pinpoint what things have brought about an improvement? If so, it makes sense to keep doing what you are doing and perhaps consider doing more of it.

It’s a no brainer to keep doing what has been working and to do less of what has caused set backs. I would not abruptly change strategies if you have found one that seems to be bringing about some improvement. I would use the progress that I have made as a foundation to slowly rebuild.

If you aren’t sure how your husband would react to this, then I’m not sure that you have to announce your strategy. You can simply stay the course and try to do more of what is working as the situation allows it.

I know that it’s human nature to feel a little paranoid and apprehensive when things don’t turn out quite as badly as we expected. We are always waiting for the inevitable negative thing to happen. But, our worst fears don’t always occur. Sometimes, we are pleasantly surprised.

None of this means that you can’t influence the outcome though. You can use this reprieve as the motivation to keep trying to improve things. You can be grateful that no one has filed for divorce and you can try to make the best use of your reprieve.

The fact that your husband has moved slowly and has put your children’s needs first says good things about his level of commitment to do what is best for his family. When both people have this same level of commitment, and then act on it, good things can happen.

Thankfully, a separation does not always mean that you are getting a divorce.  Of course, in my own situation, I assumed that my husband would eventually divorce me. I kept waiting for it.  Things improved between us and he didn’t file.  Still, I was always afraid I would one day get the papers.  But I did not ask why I wasn’t seeing papers. I just kept making improvements until it was very obvious that we were not getting divorced because we were in fact getting back together. You can read about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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