Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Often, as we are getting ready to embark on a trial or martial separation, we have certain expectations of how our spouse might act toward us. Many of these assumptions are negative ones. And they are based on fear. We are concerned that our spouse is going to look at us negatively or to try to avoid us. We worry that he will be cold and distant. So when he does something loving or shows genuine concern for our well being, it shocks us. But it also leaves us wondering how we should interpret the gesture.

Here’s a sample scenario. Someone might explain: “when my husband and I separated, he was pretty obnoxious about the fact that he needed time away from me. And he was very direct about the fact that he felt that I was smothering him and that he couldn’t determine what he wanted out of his life as a middle aged man unless he went out on his own. Frankly, I thought this was indulgent and pretty selfish. And although I didn’t tell him this directly, my feelings were probably pretty obvious. For the first two weeks of our separation, we did not speak at all. After that, we spoke maybe once every couple of weeks. He didn’t seem all that interested to hear about what was going on with me. I got in an unfortunate car accident last week. I am OK. It was scary and my car was totaled. I was sore for a couple of days and my back is still a little stiff, but honestly, I am mostly fine. I did not even tell my husband about this. I did not think he would care all that much. But one of our mutual friends apparently told him. And he called me acting very sweet. He must have asked me ten times if I were truly OK. And when I reassured him that I was, he acted as if he were so relieved. He has repeatedly asked me if there is anything that he can do for me. He even brought by my favorite take out foods and acted extremely concerned and caring. This has left me so shocked. It is a complete change in behavior. And I do not know how to interpret this. Why would a separated husband show concern for his wife? Some of my friends say that he probably wants me back. Could this be true? I hope that it is.”

The Positive Signs That Are Right In Front Of You: I know that it must feel a little shocking (and a little reassuring) to see this behavior from him. Much of the time, we assume that our spouse stops caring about us during a separation. But this is usually not true. You have been probably the most important person in your husband’s life for a very long time. He has cared about your well being for equally as long. It doesn’t make sense to think that this care and concern are just going to end because you are separated. Your feelings do not just flip off and on depending on your circumstances.

That care and concern was likely laying there dormant and then the car accident bought it to the surface. Your husband maybe shocked by his behavior also. But it does show that he still cares. As for getting back together, this is harder to predict.

It’s always a positive thing to get confirmation that the feelings are still there. But, the feelings aren’t always the only thing that is needed in order to reconcile. Often, people need to feel that whatever was bothering them enough to make them want to leave has been resolved. So, while the concern he is showing is a very good sign, much of the time, it is a good first step.

Moving Forward: But following up on it would like help matters a great deal. Use this change in his attitude as the stimulus to change the dynamic between you. Now that he is more attentive and caring, offer to get together (or talk) a little more often. The conversation should come a little more easily now and you can use this to work up to something more – if that is both what you want.

I think that it makes sense to be a little careful here. I see a lot of separated spouses get very excited at the first positive response, hope for a reconciliation, and sort of pounce. I did this myself. But often, it will only reverse your progress. If you are pushing, your spouse may be put off and may regret that he even showed concern. Have patience. Use it as a starting point. But don’t expect for one incident to mean that you are going to reconcile.

It is reassuring to know that he still cares. This is important information from which you can work. But I’ve found, from my own experience, it’s almost always better to move deliberately but a bit slowly (unless he’s making it obvious that this isn’t what he wants) than to push and then regret it later.  You can read more about how I used a gradual and deliberate strategy on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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