Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  There are some common reasons for the decay of a marriage that are just reluctantly accepted.  Examples are “growing apart” or “falling out of love.”  There are other reasons for the decay of a marriage that are taboo and not at all understood –  like children coming between you or struggling to regain the intimacy that you shared before children.

This is something that people rarely like to talk about or even admit to – but I hear about it more often than you might think.  It’s my opinion (and I’m certainly not an expert) that this problem is the most common when the children are very young or are teenagers or leaving the home.  Because these are the periods of time when a child can cause the most disruption in your marriage and the most stress or conflict between you.

A wife might explain a scenario like this one: “I noticed my marriage change when my son was about six weeks old.  However, I did not want to see this.  I figured that stress and an adjustment period was going to be normal as neither my husband or I had ever dealt with children before.  My son was colicky and we were definitely sleep deprived.  In those early months, there were days when it felt like we were barely hanging on.  When my son was about three months old, my husband started going out with his friends much more.  This hurt me very badly because I felt abandoned.  And I felt like he would rather spend time with his friends than his new child.  I guess I probably was cold to him sometimes because of my resentment and he pulled back too.  And our marriage has definitely been on a downward trend.  The other day we got in a horrible argument and I mentioned going to my mother’s.  I don’t think that I really meant it.  But my husband didn’t even try to stop me.  I started crying and asked him what was going on.  He told me that he now feels disconnected from me because I don’t seem all that interested in him since our baby was born.  I am hurt by this, but I am more angry than anything.  Does he just expect me to put his own child last because he’s too immature to be happy?  What kind of man is so immature that he wants to put his own needs above that of his child?”

I understand your feelings and they are valid.  But this is so common.  And it doesn’t mean that your husband is a bad guy.  And it doesn’t mean that he literally wants you to turn down your love for your child and give that same love to him instead.

What He’s Really Trying To Tell You: In my opinion and experience, what he really means, but isn’t saying very effectively, is that he misses the life you had when it was just the two of you.  He misses the intimacy and the laughter and the endless time together where you could just be.  This is understandable.  I think that if we are being honest, there are times when mothers feel the same way.  But at the end of the day, we love our children in a very fierce and physical way and, although we miss the early days of our marriage, we know that we wouldn’t trade our child for anything and there is no going back.  We also know that, even with the hardship, our child has enhanced our  life in a way that we could not have possibly imagined before.

Your husband likely feels this way too.  But right now, his feelings of loss are overshadowing that.  He likely has felt this way for a while but he felt selfish and petty to say so, which is why he withdrew instead and which is why it took a fight to pull this out of him.  He may well feel ashamed right now, which might make him withdraw even more.

Try to keep the perspective of the best gift that you can give your child is two invested and connected parents who life in a harmonious home filled with love. Achieving this might mean leaving that same child home with his grandparents or other loved one once a week so that you can have uninterrupted alone time with your spouse.  I know that this can be a difficult thought to wrap your head around.  But it is vitally important.  Because if your husband begins feeling connected to you again, the underlying resentment with both of you feel is going to evaporate, freeing you up to give more energy and spontaneous love to your child.  It pays benefits in so many ways.   And, you don’t want for your son to grow up witnessing a father who pulls away and is distant.  Because he may do the same when he has his own family.

It doesn’t make your husband petty or selfish to feel this way.  Many men feel this way.  They often want to help with the childrearing but they do not know how.  They can not nurse and so the child often just naturally prefers mom, at least at first.  The dad can start to feel that he can’t do anything right and isn’t the greatest parent.  So he will start to withdraw even more.

Do everything in your power to make him feel included and appreciated.  Even if you’re better at soothing your baby, let him get involved.  Your child will adjust.  There are some things that dads actually do a little better, especially when it comes to play.  And go out of your way to show him that you are making an effort to make time for him.

This truly is something that can be fixed. And it is most definitely worth the effort because the whole future of your family lays out before you.  So it makes sense to fix it now and not to wait.  In my own marriage, I waited for problems to just magically work themselves out and this was a huge mistake and lead to a separation.  Feel free to learn from my mistakes. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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