Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Not every one who wants space in their marriage wants a separation. Some people want exactly what they are asking for – a tiny bit of space and only that. Maybe they are having a hard time at work. Perhaps they are having a bit of an identity crisis. Or maybe they are caring for an aging parent. For these reasons and several possible others, they feel like they just want some “alone time” from every one – including their spouse. When they share this, they don’t envision a separation. They just envision having a little more time alone in their own homes – the same home they share with their spouse and hope to continue to share. Unfortunately though, their request for space doesn’t always come out as they intended and it isn’t always well received. Sometimes, their spouse misreads their cues or becomes hurt and angry. And that is when that seemingly simple request can lead to the separation that no one wanted.

Someone might explain: “I have been going through a rough period in my life. I want to state this right up front. I will admit that I am not myself. I have not been a joy to live with. I have a family member in crisis at the same time as I am in jeopardy of losing my job. Plus, I am supposed to be going to school at night. I feel as though I don’t even have time to catch my breath. And after dealing with all of this, I would come home to a spouse who wants to socialize or be entertained. Frankly, I just don’t have the energy for this lately. One day when my spouse and I were arguing about this, I tried to stop the fight by saying: ‘honey, for the next couple of weeks to months, I just need a little space.’ And by this I meant that I wanted a break from the pressure. I wanted my spouse to entertain himself just for a couple of weeks. I wanted him to maybe cook dinner and do some laundry. I did not mean that I no longer want to be married. I just meant that I wanted a break from the million responsibilities on my plate. My spouse said he understood, but then three days later he invited his friends over and he expected me to help entertain them. I reminded him about our conversation about ‘space.’ Well, the next day I came home and there was a note saying that he was moving out for a little while so that I could have my ‘space.’ He said it was clear that checking out was more important to me than anything else. I am absolutely stunned. And devastated. This is not what I meant. I never wanted a separation. And now it has been weeks. And the space is not what I envisioned. I come home from all my stress and there is no one to share and laugh with. Why can’t there by a compromise? Why can’t I just have a little break without my spouse getting the wrong idea and without it messing up my marriage?”

This conversation is probably one for your husband, but I can give you my insights – for what it is worth. I actually think this situation is common. People tend to freak out when the words “space,” and “time,”are mentioned as it relates to your marriage. This is true if all you meant was that you wanted just a little time to yourself.

Seeing It From A Different Perspective: I can give you some insights that may help you to see it from the other side. I was the spouse on the other end of this. My own husband wanted “space,” except that he truly did want a separation, for the most part. I can tell you that hearing these words is extremely scary. Even though people will offer you all sorts of reassurance that he’s just going through something difficult, you will ask yourself why can’t he share that difficult thing with you? And you wonder why you, as a loving spouse, can’t make this better for him? And you ask yourself why he has chosen to retreat from you instead of allowing you to help him?

Understand That He’s Probably Reacting To Hurt Feelings: Honestly, hearing the word “space” from your spouse feels like a rejection no matter how many reassuring words your spouse tries to offer. Frankly, I would doubt your husband truly wants a separation. He left immediately after you asked for space for the second time. It’s a reasonable assumption that he would not have done this had you not had the “space” conversation.

So, he is likely acting out of his shock and hurt. Whether you want to pursue him coming home is up to you. And you might have to play it by ear and see how he reacts when you try to talk about this. But I might try something like: “I feel so frustrated that I didn’t explain myself well. I feel like I meant one thing and you took it to mean another and now we are both hurt and lonely at a time when we need each other most. You know what I hard time I have been having because of things that had nothing to do with our marriage. When I said I needed space, I suppose what I really meant was that I wanted space from all of the things that I felt were closing in on me. I am sorry. I didn’t mean I wanted a separation or any permanent time away from you. I just meant that when I came home from my stress, I needed time to decompress and that is what I should have said. I have no idea how you feel about all of this, but I can tell you that I miss you. And I’m sorry that it came to this. The last thing I wanted was to end or jeopardize one of the things that I want in my life.”

After this, I’d suggest waiting to see what type of reaction you get. Your spouse might be relieved and apologize for the misunderstanding also. Or the hurt feelings might continue until some time has passed. Still, it’s better to get it out in the open. You don’t want for your spouse to continue to assume that you wanted a separation when you didn’t. Because I can tell you that a separation that you didn’t want is very difficult.  if you can avoid that, I would. You can read more about my marital struggles (and how I ultimately overcame them) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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