Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Much of the correspondence that I get is from people who are facing or going through a marital separation. This may be seen as a short term trial separation or as something that may be seen as a precursor to a divorce.

People often want to know if the strategy that they are considering is good strategy (that is likely to work) or a bad strategy (that is likely to fail.) It’s hard for me to judge or speculate for multiple reasons. I can’t know the specifics with the marriage. And I’m certainly not a professional therapist or a marital counselor.

I can speculate and I can tell you some strategies that I have seen work (and not work) for many separations. But again, I would never want you to substitute my suggestions for your own good sense or for the intimate knowledge that you have about your marriage and its issues. With all of this said, here are what I think are some of the best or worst strategies that people will try to use during their separation.

The Bad Strategies

Trying To Manipulate Your Spouse: This is very common strategy and there are a number of ways that people will try to get their spouse to do what they want them to do. They will try to guilt their spouse, make their spouse feel sorry for them, make their spouse think that they don’t care about the separation, or act downright nasty and rude.

Now, I am not going to tell you that even healthy separations don’t have a little bit of posturing going on. I mean, even trying to keep a cheerful or upbeat attitude when you don’t feel very cheerful, is a touch manipulative because you’re showing your spouse what you want them to see. But, there’s a difference between trying to sway things to a more positive place than out and out pretending just to get a reaction.

Using Kids Or Other Currency: I see this a lot also. I absolutely advocate both spouses having very liberal and regular access to their children. This is a hard time for kids and one way to help them with this is to show them that both parents still love them, can still get a long, and can still interact as a family. I believe it’s vital for both parents to create a united front as far as the kids are concerned.

However, some people will take this a bit too far. They will insist that their spouse come over to see the kids when in fact they are most interested in crafting a time to see their spouse face to face so that they can move the separation forward and try for a reconciliation.

Now, I’d never tell you that I didn’t take advantage or every opportunity I had to see my husband during our separation. But I can also tell you that if you are using something to get to him, he is going to be able to see this. And he is not going to appreciate it. Always make sure everything you say and do is based on something genuine.

Acting As If You Need Your Spouse In An Attempt To Get Them Home: I know that it’s challenging to navigate things without your spouse. It’s difficult and it hurts. So it’s tempting to tell him that the roof is leaking and it stinks to deal with it. And you may went to tell your wife that you can’t put together a meal and are starving now that she’s gone.

But this isn’t playing fair and it isn’t likely to make your spouse look at your more favorably anyway. Frankly, often the best thing that you can do during your separation is to paint the brightest picture of yourself. You want to be seen as someone who is capable, coping, and conducting herself with integrity, which leads me to the second part of this article.

The Good Strategies:

Working On Yourself: I really can not stress this enough. I know that it is hard to focus on yourself as an individual when you want nothing more than to be a couple. But I firmly believe that it is the best thing that you can do. It keeps you busy. It shows your spouse (and yourself) that you have self respect and it might even help your marriage in the long run because, when you come back together, you will be much healthier.

Treating Your Spouse With Dignity And Respect: Sure, you may have big issues between you. Sure, you may be arguing with regularity. But this is still your spouse that you are talking about. When things got heated between my husband and I, then I would always try to back away and regroup because my goal was always to leave things better instead of worse. No one can deny that a separation isn’t going to be seen as a bright spot in your marriage. It isn’t fun. You’re likely on edge.

But if you want to save your marriage or just make things better, then you are going to want to treat your spouse as you’d want to be treated. Be honest. Don’t criticize or be sarcastic. And if you can’t engage in a positive and pleasant way, then wait until you can.

Try To Remember (And Display) Who Your Spouse Fell In Love With: I believe that this is so important. If your spouse fell in love with a laid back girl who always laughed then you don’t want to present him with a scowling, uptight woman during your separation and expect for him to have a positive response.

No one expects for you to turn back time or act like a person who you aren’t. But you know what your spouse loves about you. Now is the time to show them those aspects of your personality so that things go more smoothly.

I can’t tell you that I always used the best strategies and I never used the bad ones.  I used the bad ones a lot.  And they almost lead me to a divorce.  I only stumbled upon the good ones.  But they eventually worked.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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