Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, after wives have tried what they think are the conventional routes to get their husband back (trying to figure out their problems, asking him to come back, trying to reason with him, etc.) then they can start to believe that they are going to have to completely get away from straight forward methods if they are to have any chance of success. So, they might consider resorting to “mind games” or other such tricks.

One might say: “I have tried everything that I know to get my husband back. I’ve acted sweet to him. I’ve tried to convince him that our problems really aren’t that big. I’ve tried to address our problems. I’ve asked his mother to help me convince him. I’ve tried to talk this through. Nothing seems to work. One of my friends says that it is time to start up with the mind games. She says when she was separated with her husband, she actually acted a little mean to and disinterested in him. She said she tried to make him believe that other men were pursuing her. She said that this was more effective than playing it nice. Is she right? I really can’t picture myself doing these things, but if they work, I am willing to give it a try.”

I have had people contact me and tell me that this strategy works. I’ve also had people tell me that the strategy that I myself used with success was a version of a mind game. I do not agree with this and I will tell you why. Yes, I left the city where my husband and I lived to stay with my parents and friends for a while. And yes, this did seem to spark my husband’s interest. And yes, I did back away from my husband for a bit. But, both of these things were genuine. I did feel that I needed the support of my parents and friends. And I knew if I kept on the tract that I was going, my husband was going to avoid me even more. So these things weren’t meant to mess with my husband’s mind. They were meant to make the situation better for me and to take out some of the drama. Also, I was always very clear on the fact that I still wanted my marriage and that I had no intention of dating anyone else. (I suppose my husband might have thought this was a possibility when we weren’t in touch, but I never gave him any reason to think that.)

Understanding The Difference Between Mind Games And Backing Away: I am not going to deny that I often advocate giving your spouse space and creating a little distance when it’s obvious that this is necessary. However, there is a difference between this and out and out being dishonest to your husband. Pretending that you don’t care about him, making him believe that you might see other people, and taking on a negative attitude towards him are all things that are clearly a risk. And the focus here is somewhat negative.

There is a big difference between this and letting him know that you are stepping back to surround yourself with your loved ones and taking a break to focus on things that make you happy and nurture you in the hopes that some time in the future, you can revisit your marriage. I hope that you can see the difference.

The negative approach (pretending that you don’t care) creates more risk, at least in my opinion. Your husband might become defensive and angry. He may ask himself why he should be faithful if you are not going to be. And this may make the distance between you even greater.

But when you just create some distance and you make it clear that the hope in the future is that things will get better because you’re only working on yourself, then he really can’t fault you for this, especially when he’s likely the one who wanted space in the first place. You’re merely giving him what he has asked for, but you are doing it in a way that makes things easier for you and supports you. So, you are setting it up in a way that he can’t really say that he would be justified in retaliating or seeing other people.

I admit that it is a subtle difference, but I believe that it is an important one. Playing mind games implies a bit of manipulation and even cruelty. Taking a pause in the action implies that you’re taking care not to make things worse and that you are trying to get healthy so that you have a better chance of coming together later, when things calm down.

I admit that the second strategy can sometimes appear to be a mind game, especially if you aren’t (or can’t be) clear about what you are doing. But I believe that your mind set is vastly different and I believe that this will likely be evident to your husband so that he won’t be angry or want to retaliate and put your marriage at further risk.

To answer the original question, I believe that the mind game strategy has less a chance of working than taking a break, but being straight forward about it.  At least that was true in my case, but every marriage is different.  If you’d like to read more about the strategy I used, feel free to check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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