Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There is no question that a second marriage involving children often faces more challenges than a first marriage. Why? Because blending families and baggage often means that you have ready made conflict – sometimes conflict that doesn’t even have anything to do with you. People who already have one failed marriage understandably become extremely upset when something goes wrong with their second. And, it’s only natural that a child’s biological parents are going to feel the need to stick up for the child in the new, and blended family. This can pit a spouse against a child. And this can create a problem so serious that it risks the marriage.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I honestly thought that this marriage was going to be smooth sailing. I suppose this is very naive of me, but that is what I thought. In my first marriage, I admit that we were both immature. We did nothing but fight. It got to a point where there wasn’t any physical attraction left so I wasn’t really all that motivated to work out our problems. Well, when I met my second husband, sparks flew. That definitely wasn’t a problem with us. And we just seemed to have an instant connection. We got married right away. I love everything about him. The problem is that neither of us get along with the other’s children. My kids are really struggling with the divorce. And I have always promised my kids that if they work really hard, I will pay for their college. I had saved money for this, but we used some of that money to make a payment on a bigger family home, since he has kids too. My new husband has to pay a substantial amount of child support, so he says we can not afford to pay for any of the kids’ college. I told him that this wasn’t fair. My kids have already been through too much for me to tell them they can’t go to college or they have to work incredibly hard when they have already put in their time. He won’t even negotiate about this. He told me that I’m crazy if I think that we’re going to financially support any of our children. His kids text both him and me asking for material things constantly. He always caves. My children never ask him for anything. They don’t particularly like him. Last week, my daughter asked for money for a homecoming dress. I’m going to be honest and say that I gave her the money in secret. I knew my husband would freak out if he knew. Well, somehow he found out about it and he told me that I have to choose between him and my kids. He said he only wants to be financially responsible for his own kids and that their father needs to pay for their extras. He says he won’t stay married to me if this isn’t the agreed upon arrangement. What am I going to do? I can’t turn my back on my children. I won’t do that. Their father does help out, but finances are always tight. And I don’t want to be a twice divorced middle aged woman either.”

This is a very difficult situation. I don’t mean or want to lay on the guilt. But I have to tell you that I went through a similar situation when my own parents divorced. I can’t tell you how painful it is to be the child in that situation. Don’t for a second think that your kids don’t know what is going on. They do know. And it hurts them badly. They feel responsible and they feel as if everything that is happening is all their fault. And they are dealing with the pain of their parents’ divorce at the same time that they are feeling rejected by their new step parent. It is a lot to juggle.

I know that it is very common for the members of a new household to struggle when trying to come up with a plan that works for everyone. But I don’t think it’s ever right to try to pit a child against an adult. And I don’t think it’s ever right for your spouse to ask that you reject your child in order to accept him. That’s just not healthy and it will erode both your relationship with your child and your relationship with your new spouse.

I would definitely highly recommend counseling here because a neutral third party could help both of you see what is reasonable and appropriate and what is not. The counselor could also suggest compromises that would be more likely to work for everyone.

I know that you will likely get rejection from him because of finances. So you may try something like: “honey, you know that this marriage is extremely important to me. I am determined to make things work. I made many mistakes in my first marriage and I do not want to repeat them here. One of the things I did then was allow my problems to magnify until they were too big to work out. I don’t want to do that this time around. I want to address our problems while they are still manageable. That’s why I think it’s a good idea to go to family counseling. I know that money is tight. But I think I could do some research and find an inexpensive alternative through church or our kids’ school. It’s very important to me that all of our kids feel loved and secure and I worry that this is not the way that we are headed. I want this marriage to be healthy and happy for all involved. Will you work with me to make that happen?”

I do want to stress that I’m not saying the husband in this scenario is a bad guy. He is likely overwhelmed financially and he is trying to get his new wife to meet him half way (although he is going about this in a destructive way.) So I think it’s important to make him understand that you want to work with him, but not ever at the expense of your own children.

Financial issues are very common right now. But the thing is, one day all of your children (yours and his) will one day be adults with their own families. You just have to get through this in the near future and then it will be an issue that doesn’t repeat itself. So it’s important not to let this ruin your marriage because calmer waters are likely ahead.

I know first hand that this is a difficult situation.  But it is workable if you stress communication and compromise.  Once your marriage reaches the point of damage, it is hard to reign it back in.  I know this firsthand also.  I didn’t address my martial issues until I ended up separated.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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