How Do I Know If I Will Regret Leaving My Husband?
By: Leslie Cane: People whose spouse has just left them sometimes believe that this was an easy, or sudden decision made very lightly. I suppose that this could be the case sometimes. But from the folks that I hear from who are considering leaving their spouses, I can tell you that my perception is that many people think very long and very hard before they actually leave their spouse.
Many worry that this is the wrong, selfish decision that they may well end up regretting later. For example, I might hear from a wife who says: “for the last eighteen months, I honestly haven’t felt anything for my husband. I mean, he’s a good man and because we have been together so long, I feel a sort of affection for him and I only wish him the best. Plus, he is the father of my children so I know that he is always going to be in my life. But I just don’t love him in the way that a wife should love her husband. So I am considering leaving him. I know that this is going to devastate him. I know that he still loves me and is committed to me. But it’s very hard to know that I am only living my life half way. I feel like you only get one chance at life so you should make the absolute most of it. And I am not sure that is what I am doing with my husband. The problem is that I change my mind constantly. I will start looking for apartments and I have even packed my bags a few times. But then, I start worrying that I will eventually regret it and that I would have hurt this man for nothing. How do I know if I will regret leaving?”
I get variations on this question quite a lot. And frankly, the very fact that you are asking the question at all tells me that there is a chance that you may regret it.
Please don’t think I’m jumping to conclusions or not considering all of the factors involved. But quite frankly, most of the time, the people who have good experiences with separating or with ending their marriages aren’t the ones who aren’t sure if they are doing the right thing. Because often in order to get to the place where you are completely at peace with your decision to leave, you either need to know that you have done everything that you could to work things out and still have failed, or you need to firmly deep in your core that your marriage is not in your own best interest.
Neither of these things appeared to be true in this case. This wife was not sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that she had tried everything. In fact, no counselor or self help had been tried. Her husband didn’t have any idea that this was coming because she hadn’t discussed her unhappiness with him. Therefore, he hadn’t had any opportunity to remedy what might have been making her unhappy. Plus, although she admitted that the feelings just weren’t there at this particular time, she stressed that her husband was a good man and a good father. Being married to a good man doesn’t sound like a situation that was in direct contrast with her best interest.
Of course, every one has to decide this for themselves. I can’t tell you what you should do. But I can tell you what I see as the contributing factors to people eventually regretting their decision to leave. And that is often, leaving things left unsaid and untried. If you have tried to learn new behaviors, tried to bring back the spark, have gone to counseling and have tried numerous things to increase your bond – and you still don’t notice any improvement, then you’re probably going to have a much easier time leaving with a clear conscience because you know that you have earned your way out, so to speak.
But if you haven’t given your spouse a chance to remedy things, you haven’t tried anything new, and you haven’t sought outside or objective help, then you’re probably more likely to wonder if you are acting too hastily or too dramatically.
I honestly do hear from a lot of people that regret leaving, separating, or getting a divorce. Many of them tell me that being alone is worse than having a less than perfect marriage that might have been fixed if they had tried a little harder. This is especially true when there are children involved.
Think for a second about how you would feel if you were one day running errands and you ran into your now ex husband with another woman. They didn’t see you. But you saw them laughing and having a wonderful time. How would you feel? Some people can answer: “I would be happy for him because he deserves a good relationship and really, that is what I want for him. And this is true even if I am alone and don’t find another relationship. I can be happy either way.”
But if your answer is something like: “I would probably feel a sense a longing and a little jealous. Because this is how I wish our marriage was. I wish he could have that with me and I wish that I could have that with him, since he’s such a good man. But I just don’t see that happening right now,” then perhaps you might want to try a couple of things before you make such a lasting decision.
One final point. People who are sure that they won’t regret starting the process of ending their marriage generally don’t research or ask if they are going to regret it. The fact that you doing this right now and reading this article indicate to me that you already have regret in your heart. What is the harm in delaying this decision and seeing if you can make some improvements? If you try very hard and you still fall short, at least you can move forward without regret and you can honestly tell your children that you did every single thing that you could.
My husband is very open about the fact that he regretted leaving me. And we are both grateful that he didn’t pursue a divorce. We were able to improve, and eventually save, our marriage. If he left and not been open to change, a perfectly redeemable marriage would have been destroyed. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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