Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for your feelings and your perceptions to change when you are going through a marital separation. Sometimes, you wonder if your goals or wishes are still the same as things progress with your separation. This is a scary question to ask yourself when you’re no longer sure how you feel about your spouse or your marriage.

An example is the wife who says: “my husband has always been the center of my life. I have always felt like the luckiest woman in the world while being married to him. I am the type of person who thinks that there is one person for everyone and that is it. So when my husband told me that he wanted to separate, I was truly devastated. I truly didn’t want to think of my life without my husband. In the initial weeks of the separation, I called my husband multiple times per day. My goal was to see him each and every day. Basically, my criteria on having a good day was feeling that I was just a little bit closer to getting him back. That was my primary focus. During my separation, I found out that I have been accepted into law school. Not only that, but I have received a scholarship. Honestly, I considered turning it down because I wanted to focus on my marriage. But, my mother urged me to reconsider. She said that this was a once in a life time opportunity. So, I have started school. And since I have, I’ve been so busy that I no longer have the luxury of focusing on my husband every day. I am slammed with my work load. And, much to my great surprise, I actually am loving my new life. It’s very exciting to be making new friends. I’m doing very well in school and my self esteem is soaring. Now, I am starting to have second thoughts as to whether or not I want him back. He must sense this, because suddenly he is the one who is calling me every day. What do I do now?”

I always want to help people in this situation. Because in my own experience, I know how emotionally draining and how scary a marital separation can be. But, as much as I do want to help, this isn’t a decision that I can make for anyone. Only you know what your heart is telling you to do. However, with this said, it’s always my inclination to want to put off making such a huge decision when you have just introduced something new into your life. Emotions are high. Things can feel like an “either / or” situation when they really are not.

And frankly, who is to say that you can’t be in the top of your class in law school, enjoy every minute of your experience, and still be happily married? Quite honestly, situations such as this can sometimes improve things with your separation. When I turned my attention away from my husband, he suddenly became interested in me again – just like in this example.

Your husband may well end up supporting you and wanting the best for you in law school. And who is to say that you have to decide this instant or even relatively soon what is going to happen with your separation? I believe that a decision as huge as what to do about your marriage is not a decision that should be rushed. I never see the hurry in making these types of decisions. What is the harm in just taking things day by day and seeing how things unfold?

I usually find it interesting when I hear wives’ say “I’m not sure if I want him back” or “I’m not sure if I want to save my marriage now.” To me, if there is any doubt (and when you say ‘I’m not sure’ this means there is doubt,) then it makes sense to just wait to make a decision until you are sure as to what you really want. I hear from a lot of people who tell me that they deeply regret their divorce and this type of regret is very painful. That’s why I wouldn’t make any decisions until you are feeling more sure about what you really want.

Nothing is wrong with enjoying school and just seeing what happens between you and your husband before you begin the decision making process. Since you aren’t sure one way or another, I’d suggest giving it a little more time.

Frankly, I’m glad my husband gave our separation a little time before he made a final decision. I believe there was a time when he was very close to divorcing me.  But because he didn’t act immediately, I was able to make some shifts that saved our marriage.  And I believe that we are both very grateful for this.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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