Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Often, wives who never want to separate want nothing more than to reconcile with their reluctant husbands. So, they are understandably always looking for signs that the circumstances are improving and they may be well on their way to a reconciliation . I sometimes hear from some of them who want to know if a certain event or happening might be a good sign. I always want to offer encouragement because I know how it feels to question every little thing that your separated husband does or says – always looking for positive signs and signals. But I think that you have to be careful with this. Things can change quickly. And one day your husband may be receptive and downright loving and the next, he may give you completely different signals to decipher. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be discouraged when things are going your way, though.

I might hear from a wife who says: “when my husband first moved out, he would not even acknowledge me. He is angry with me because he believes that I take my children’s side over his. He believes that our family life is just too stressful and not good for any of us. I called him repeatedly at first and he would let it go to voice mail. But, for the last couple of weeks, he has started coming over on Friday nights for dinner. I cook a very nice meal and I insist that all of my children attend. The first week that we did this, things went so well that I invited him the next week. As it stands, I intend to do this on every Friday until he moves back in. I admit that we don’t talk that much during the week. But I am encouraged by this. In fact, I think that this means that we are reconciled. My daughter told me that I was reading way too much into this. She said that a string of hour long dinners don’t mean a thing. She says a reconciliation only happens when both people talk about it and agree to it. Is she right? Are we not reconciled?”

Honestly, the only person who can really answer this for you is your husband. He would know if he thinks that you have reconciled. But I suspect that I know why  this question hasn’t been asked. Because the answer is scary. He might say no. And he might think that you are moving too fast and therefore back off and put an end to those Friday night dinners.

I don’t mean to discourage you. Because no one can deny that a man who has gone from not taking your calls at all to suddenly wanting to see you on Friday nights has most definitely had a change of heart – at least somewhat. Does this mean that he wants to reconcile? I don’t think that anyone but him knows.

Because of my own situation, I learned the hard way that it is better to be patient and to keep the good signs going rather than to apply pressure and then have to start over when your husband backs up. I would say that it is entirely possible that you are at the beginning stages of a reconciliation or well on your way.  But it might be a little early to assume that everything is completely fine.

And, there were a couple of indications that were missing here. There was no mention of them talking more about or attempting to work through the family issues. Did the husband reconcile his concerns about the children? Did the family stress work itself out? Had this couple sat down while both of them told the other what they needed and required in order to be comfortable putting their whole hearts and their full effort into a reconciliation?

If these things haven’t happened yet, then thoughts of a reconciliation could well have been premature. Because if you consider yourself reconciled and he comes back home to the same problems in the same house which he deems stressful, then his return home may not last.

It is so much better, and less risky, to take your time and allow the reconciliation to unfold on its own as your family situation truly improves. I know that this may not be what you wanted to hear. I know that you wanted for someone to tell you that you were reconciled or very close to it. But until you have a serious conversation about the same with your husband, I think that it is just a little premature.

I would continue on with those wonderful weekly dinners. When this goes well, I would try to schedule some time during the week. I would want him to spend more time with the family in a very non stressful environment. And I would want to gradually talk about the issues so that they could be worked through and then left behind.

I do understand this because during my own separation, I tried to rush my husband home.  I applied a lot of pressure.  And this backfired because I had to start all over. I eventually got him back home but it took much longer than it should have.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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