Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very common to think that once you are separated, then you might not ever be able to reconcile with your spouse. Many people just can’t figure out how a reconciliation might happen – especially in terms of their marriage. So I might hear a comment like: “my husband is the one who wasn’t sure about our marriage. Although there have been times where I wasn’t as happy as I wanted to be, I would never walk out on my marriage – even temporarily. But my husband has decided that he is so unhappy that he wants to split up. In fact, he was going to pursue a divorce until I talked him down to a separation as a compromise. There aren’t any huge issues between us and we don’t fight all of the time or anything like that. It’s just that we have lost our intimacy. I know that people sometimes get back together after they are separated. I would hope that this is the case for us. But how does it happen? How do people get back together when separated?”

You’re right. It does happen more than people assume. And there are various ways that it can happen. The way that it happened for me is probably vastly different than the way that it may happen for you. So in the following article, I will outline some of the ways that couples get together and reconcile after a marital or trial separation.

The Couple Decides That They Miss Each Other And They Rush To Reconcile Without Looking At The Issues: Honestly, this is a very tempting option. Most people don’t even question their motivations at all. This is especially true if you are the spouse who never wanted to separate in the first place. All you need is for your spouse to show even a little interest in coming back home and you are all over it. I completely understand this because if my husband had asked to come home during my separation, I wouldn’t have questioned it. I would have opened the door and my arms without the slightest hesitation. Of course, I now know that trying to reconcile before you’ve at least looked at the issues is not the best idea. But I hurt quite a bit during my own separation. And I would have taken any opportunity to see that come to an end, even if I had doubts or fears that it wasn’t going to last.

The Couple Work On Their Issues Completely So That Both People Are Comfortable Enough To Begin A Reconciliation: This is the optimal situation that gives you the best chance for long term success. Some couples are able to do this with a counselor, who works with the couple over time in order to determine when it is optimal to begin the reconciliation process. Others are able to do this on their own through sheer determination and will. Maybe they aren’t mental health professionals but they can research, they can seek out self help, and they can hold themselves and their spouse accountable.  They methodically work through their issues until they see enough enough progress so that they are comfortable enough to come back together. Of course, the understanding is that even though they are beginning the reconciliation by living together again, they will continue to work on the issues for as long as is needed.

They Decide To Work On The Issues At The Same Time That The Reconciliation Is Happening: Sometimes, the couple miss one another and this has perhaps caused them to be more willing to compromise than before. Sure, they know that they still have a long road ahead of them. But at least they have identified the issues and have agreed upon a plan to work through them. This situation often happens when the couple has kids. They don’t want to disrupt the kids’ family life for any longer than they have to, so they believe that it makes sense to go ahead and begin reconciling before all of the work has been done.

Now, I don’t want to insinuate that all couples plan out or even understand which of the above works for them. Many people don’t consciously think about how and when they are getting back together. They are just reacting to what is going on in their marriage and in their relationship. So, if things are going well and the problems seem less immediate, then whether they are having concrete thoughts about it or not, then they are more likely to move toward a reconciliation.

So, in this case, the wife said that the main issue was that the intimacy was gone. It makes sense then that the main goal while separated would be to create a new sense of intimacy. Since this is often a gradual process, you probably can’t expect to rebuild the intimacy immediately. But you can start the process. And being apart will often give you a bit of a jump start because you will miss each other. Don’t push too hard, though. Intimacy is something that can’t be faked. Try to be upbeat, receptive, and keep your sense of humor. Try to just have fun and reconnect when you are together and intimacy will often naturally follow.

My husband and I decided to work on our marriage while we were in the process of reconciling.  We did a lot of work first.  But we weren’t completely over our issues when we reconciled.  However, we had made a very solid start and had a concrete plan in place so that we both felt confident about his coming back home.    If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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