Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Often, when your husband leaves you because he is going through a mid life crisis, you can’t see very far beyond this. In other words, your main goal is just getting him to come back home, so you rarely think about what happens in the long term after he finally arrives home. It’s rare to think about how you are going to begin repairing the anger, the misunderstandings, and the discontent. But when you finally go get him home, then this is exactly what you have to attempt to do. And it can come as a bit of a shock.

I often hear from wives who say things like: “my husband left me close to his 50th birthday. It was a classic mid life crisis. He suddenly didn’t want any responsibilities and he wanted his freedom. Having a good time was his main criteria. I honestly was afraid that he was going to divorce me, especially because our children are older. However, they are not so old that my husband would not have to pay child support. And I honestly think that this is a big reason that he came home. I think he went to an attorney and saw how big of a financial hit he would take in exchange for his freedom. So one day last week, he just showed up and said that he was coming home as though I were supposed to be thrilled. Truthfully, I am glad that he has come home. I missed him. I didn’t want to end my marriage. But now, things are really strained between us. Yes, he is here. But he’s not really here emotionally. I get a clear vibe that he’s only here because he feels that he has to be. We rarely talk. And he is very distant. I’m afraid to push him because I don’t want to fight. But this doesn’t feel like a real marriage at all. I told myself that if he would just come home, then I wouldn’t complain about anything, but I am not happy with the way that things are going. He still seems like he doesn’t want to accept his responsibilities. He still wants to go out all of the time and shed his responsibilities. This marriage seems like a sham and I feel as if we are doing something wrong. What is supposed to happen with your marriage when your husband comes home from a mid life crisis?”

Making Sure There Aren’t Straggling Issues: I get a lot of correspondence about this. I find that it’s common for people to hope that once they pass the hurdle of getting him home, then the rest is going to take care of itself. This doesn’t always happen. Because think about it for a second, if you don’t address what caused him to leave in the first place, then those problems are going to follow him back home. They must eventually be addressed or you’re going to be dealing with (and struggling with) them until they are either dealt with or they continue to cause trouble.

Determining How Your Husband Is Approaching This: Sometimes, the husband comes to realize that he acted too dramatically. He may decide that although he still wants to add some excitement into his life, he doesn’t need to discard those things that he really cares about in order to do this. This situation shows a lot of promise because the husband has realized that he was mistaken and is usually willing to make some concessions.

But in the above scenario, the husband hadn’t realized that he was wrong. He had merely conceded to come home but he is still putting off the impression that he wasn’t happy or content within his marriage. In this case, I would suggest seeking professional help. Now, you don’t want to suggest that he needs to go to counseling to get himself together because something is wrong with him or because of his mid life crisis. Few people are going to agree under those circumstances. Instead, you want to suggest going jointly so that you can both be more happy.

Convincing Him That Just Coexisting Isn’t Enough For Either Of You: I’d suggest a conversation that goes something like this: “I truly am glad that you’ve come back home. You know that. I never wanted to end our marriage and I still don’t. But I’m a little discouraged with how things have been going between us since you’ve been home. It’s seem that we aren’t connecting or communicating very well. I understand that you want to make some changes in your life and I support that. But there has to be a way for you thrive personally while our marriage also thrives. I’m willing to get professional help in order to make that happen. Our marriage is too important to me than to watch it continue to struggle while we do nothing. Are you willing to work with me to make this happen? I’m not asking you to compromise on living your best life. I’m just asking you to work with me to improve our marriage so that we are both as happy as possible with it.”

Note that he may not agree to this immediately. And he may be willing to work on the marriage, but not willing to go to counseling. If this is the case, try not to push at first. There are some decent self help resources that can help to guide you along the process. But, the worst thing that you can do is nothing. Don’t just sit there continuing to be unhappy and hoping that things will change when they may not. The longer that you are both dissatisfied, the more likely it will be that he will think that he can’t live his best life while remaining married. Try very hard to work through the issues, but try to schedule time for fun also. It’s vital that he learns that he can live the fun, low pressure lifestyle he craves while still being married.

It can take some finesse to get things moving forward once a husband returns home.  Of course, the hope is that your relief and your love will carry you forward.  But, this doesn’t always happen.  I worked very hard to make sure that my husband didn’t want to leave again once I finally got him home.  And for the most part, it worked.  If it helps,  you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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