Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you come to realize that your spouse wants a marital separation, it can be a very upsetting and confusing time. And this is true even when your spouse is as straightforward as he can possibly be. But, this whole thing is made worse when your spouse sends you mixed signals or says things that can be construed in a couple of different ways. An example of this is when your spouse tells you that he wants a marital separation while at the same time, he claims that he doesn’t want to lose you.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband told me about six months ago that he felt that our marriage was reaching a point where something had to give. We hadn’t been connecting in the same way. And although, we didn’t really fight with one another, we didn’t have intimacy anymore either. It has been clear that my husband is unhappy. So I wasn’t surprised when he came home this weekend and told me that he intended to move out in a couple of weeks. I was even more upset when a few days later he announced that he had found an apartment. I was devastated by this. But I was also determined to try not to be overly dramatic about it and to handle it in the most positive that I can. So I have decided that I’m not going to play games with my husband and I’m going to be honest about the fact that I’m sad about this separation. So, last night, I told my husband that I was going to miss him. I said that this separation felt so incredibly scary to me. My husband responded by saying: ‘I feel he same way. I don’t like this. But I feel like this is what I want and what I need to do right now. At the same time, I don’t want to lose you.’ I am not sure how this makes sense. Doesn’t a man who wants to separate from his wife by definition understand that he’s pushing her away and therefore might lose her? Is he just saying this to make me feel better? I’m not sure why he would give me mixed signals in this way. What does a person mean when they say they want a separation but don’t want to lose their spouse?”

The Spouse Who Initiated The Separation Can Have A Lot Of Doubt And Confusion.  They May Still Be Invested: I have my theories about this and I will certainly share them. But I’m not a mind reader and I can only guess. The wife was probably in the best position to read between the lines. With this said though, this phrasing is not uncommon. I hear about this quite a bit. People often assume that the spouse who initiated the separation is pretty much distancing themselves from their spouse and is almost glad to be free. But, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, there is a lot of heartache and uncertainty that goes along with seeking a separation.

The spouse initiating the separation might be filled with fear because they know that they still love their spouse very much. And they are afraid that their insistence on having time or space is going to jeopardize the relationship. This may seem ironic coming from someone who is by definition, separating from their spouse. But not every one who asks for a separation intends to end their marriage. In fact, sometimes, this is far from the truth. Some people seek a separation because they are hoping that it will save their marriage – or at the very least inspire a change or a different perspective.

They May Want Change While Also Still Wanting Their Spouse: It’s my theory that when people say they want a separation but they don’t want to lose their spouse, they often aren’t lying. Instead, they are giving you an insight into their very conflicted feelings. They obviously believe that things need to change or be shaken up – or else they would not be pursuing a separation. But, at the same time, they are not entirely comfortable with this. They have some doubts. They still have some loyalty and commitment to you and the marriage and they are not uncomfortable sharing this with you.

Although This Is A Good Sign, You Still Need To Pay Close Attention: Now, some people will take this to mean that they don’t need to worry about the separation. They take this as reassurance that their spouse has every intention of ending the separation quickly. This is a fair assumption, but I think it’s a mistake to be over confident. There is a risk with a separation, even with the best intentions. That is why it’s important to take real action and to try very hard to stay connected and in touch during the separation.

Yes, it’s very good news that he’s clear on the fact that he doesn’t want to lose you. But sometimes, people move forward anyway – regardless of their fear. The separation is telling you that your spouse needs to make or see some change. He wants for things to be different than they are with your marriage. But, he’s scared of losing you during that quest. You can use this to your advantage. But you want to make sure that make every attempt to ensure that you both see more of what you want. Because you can’t expect his fear to overcome his reservations. If that were true, he wouldn’t be leaving in the first place.

It can be a positive thing when he has conflicting feelings and he shares them. But conflicting feelings alone are not always enough. Usually, it is going to take making some changes and some concessions that give way to the process of working through your issues. In this case, it seemed that both spouses were more than willing to do this.  In my own case, my husband sometimes showed confusion, doubt and sadness in the beginning.  But over time, he pulled further and further away as he gained more confidence in being on his own.  We almost divorced as a result.  Still, I was able to try some new things to save my marriage and some of these things worked.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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