Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who have been recently dealt a devastating blow. Their spouse has told them that he thinks that they are no longer compatible – if they ever really were. And, because of this, he wants to separate. Sometimes, this isn’t really big news. Both people often know from the beginning that they have different personalities. And there are times when this is actually an asset to the relationship. But when other stressors are introduced into the marriage, suddenly the differences are no longer an asset. They are a problem.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “I always knew that my husband and I were very different people from very different backgrounds. In the beginning, these differences really worked for us. I’m introverted and quiet and my husband is very boisterous and extroverted. In my career, I’m a very behind the scenes person while my husband likes to be the center of attention. I really don’t like to throw big parties or have a lot of people around me, but my husband loves having big and lavish get togethers at our house. I don’t mind seeing our extended family during holidays, but he would have people over all of the time if I were to agree to it. These problems weren’t a big deal probably for the first five years of our marriage. But, over the past few years, they have started to bother my husband more and more. He’s been pushing to stay home less and travel more. Suddenly, he wants to go on all these huge adventures and to just leave everything else behind. We are in a financial position to do that, but I feel uncomfortable just leaving everything behind. I still have responsibilities and people who depend on me. But when I express even the slightest hesitation to my husband, he gets very angry and starts lecturing me on how I am holding him back. So I wasn’t all that surprised last night when he said he wanted a separation since we just aren’t compatible and are so different from one another. I wasn’t surprised, but I sure was hurt. I don’t want to end my marriage over this. But I can’t change who I am. And it hurts me that he is not happy with who I am. Do our differences have to mean the end of our marriage? I find myself thinking that I am going to have to be more fun loving and adventurous to attract my husband back to me, but when I try this, it just feels forced and fake.”

Unfortunately, this is a position that many separated folks find themselves in. They want to be who or what they think that their spouse wants. But when they try this new persona on for size, it feels as if they are just posing. It feels as if they are not being truthful to who they really are.  I know this first hand as I experienced it myself.  But, I’ve come to believe that there is way that you can stay true to who you are but still give a little at the same time. However, it does take being willing to do quite a bit of compromising. I will discuss this more below.

Getting To What Your Spouse Really Wants.  And Discovering What You Really Need: One goal of the separation should be to get a clearer picture of what your spouse really wants. You need to fully understand what his ideal marriage would look like. I know that it’s very tempting to assume something like: “what he really wants is for me to blow off all of my responsibilities and to travel all over with him without a care in the world,” but that may not be completely accurate. It’s easy to assume the worst here. It’s very tempting to think that he is asking too much when, in reality, some compromises may in fact make both of you happier.

Now, sometimes you won’t be able to get this information from your spouse immediately, especially if things are tense between you. Often, you will have to back off of the conflict for at least a little bit and just focus on restoring an easy rapport between you. It can be important to try to keep things very light and low in pressure. Once you are successful with this, you have a better chance of getting the information that you really need, which is what does he truly need in order to feel more fulfilled.

Once you have this information, it becomes much easier to then consider what you really want and need and then reconcile the two. Because the truth is, opposites do attract and opposites can and often do maintain a very happy and exciting marriage. It is often those differences that create a spark and balance the two of you out. An introvert who never wants to step outside of her comfort zone can benefit from the excitement that her husband brings to her life. And a man who is constantly on the go and surrounded by people can certainly benefit from quiet evenings at home. The key is to strike a compromise where both people feel as if they aren’t giving away too much and that what they are getting in return is fair and beneficial.

One component to making this whole thing work is understanding what you want, need, and can comfortably navigate. So, you need to explore your own wishes and needs as well.  And if you can come to this understanding before your husband has to actually move out, that would be the best possible scenario. Marriages are saved every day even after a separation where people live apart, but the whole thing is much easier when you are living under the same roof. It might be beneficial to see if you can strike these compromises before he needs to move out. At the very least, you can offer to give a little bit in order to buy yourself a little time. And then with that time, you can begin to do a little soul searching to see if you can come up with compromises that work for (and actually excite) both of you.

I’m not always concerned when people perceive that they are different and not compatible. These types of differences can actually work very well in marriages where the couple has learned to make the differences work for them rather than against them.  The key is learning to navigate conflict and make it bring you closer together rather than to pull you apart. Once I understand this, things changed dramatically for my own separation. You can read more about how I was able to save my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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