Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from separated wives who feel that they have been giving their husband nothing but time lately. Some of them are on a trial separation. And some just have husbands who are taking a little time away from the wife or from the marriage. Much of the time, the wife tries her best to be understanding and patient during this time away. What choice does she have, really? The husband will typically make it clear that he’s going to take the time whether she willingly gives it or not. So, she doesn’t want to make things worse by refusing his request.

But, what happens, when you’ve patiently given him the time that he has requested and it still isn’t enough? This is a common concern that I hear from many wives. I might get a comment on my blog like: “when my husband first moved out for what was to be a short separation, I told myself that I just needed to be patient with him. I honestly felt that he loved me deep down and that he would eventually do the right thing and take whatever time he needed and would then come back to me. A couple of weeks passed and he still needed time. I didn’t freak out over this. I just told him that I missed him and wanted him home as soon as he worked through whatever it was that he was struggling with. Now, months have gone by. Honestly, my husband and I get along pretty well these days when we are together. We are not together as much as I might like. But when things are going well and I ask when he might come home, he once again says that he needs time. When I ask him how much more time, he doesn’t know. I am starting to believe that no matter how much time I give my husband, it is not going to matter. It seems that he needs an infinite amount of time. And I don’t want to look back five years from now and still be separated because my husband needs time. But, it’s not as if I can give an ultimatum to come home or else. What can I do?”

Whatever Strategy You Use, Give Off The Appearance Of Calm And Patience: I know first hand what a difficult situation this is. When my own husband and I were separated, I tried to pressure my husband many times just because I was so tired of being on my own when I was supposed to be a married woman. But every time I did this, I seemed to regress on the progress that I had made. So it became clear that having patience and trying to improve the situation were the only real choices that I had. But this didn’t make the process any easier and it didn’t make me any less anxious to get him home.

With that said, backing off a little and giving the time he requested (while working strategies to speed things along as much as possible) ended up being the right call because we did reconcile. And if I had lost my patience and demanded that he stop with all of the references to needing time, he may have went ahead and filed for divorce. I’m not saying that you need to give him a pass to take all of the time he needs without complaint. But what I am saying is that I think that you are better off trying to improve your situation quickly so that he wants to come home rather than trying to convince him that he doesn’t actually need the time. Or that his need for time is selfish or excessive (because no one wants to hear or admit this about themselves.)

See If You Can Determine Where He May Still Have Doubts: Much of the time, you can break the cause of your separation down to only a handful of components. I will admit that this can be a painful process as no one wants to look their problems right in the eye. But, if you can’t name what is wrong, then you aren’t likely to work on fixing it. Ideally, you will want to whittle away at these problems during your separation. If you notice that working on your problems is making things worse, then I recommend backing off. Sometimes, your marriage is just too fragile to tackle too many things at once. But if you can at least address the biggest issues, then that will usually help to alleviate your husband’s doubts and thus his need for space.

See If He Will Agree To A Set Time To Reevaluate: I think that one of the hardest things about the request for space is that it is often open ended without any time line. In other words, he’s pretty much saying that he will let you know when he no longer needs the space, but the two of you don’t have any idea whatsoever how long that might be. So, when things aren’t going so well and you’re feeling really bad and discouraged, you can begin to think that this whole space things is going to go on forever. That’s why I believe it helps every one if there is an agreement that it is not going to be open ended.

A Suggested Response: The next time that he says he still needs his space, you might consider a response like: “Ok, I respect that. But my concern is that we are just going to get into a holding pattern here where we never move forward and never make any real progress. Can we agree on a time when we’ll come together and talk about this again? Say, in two weeks? In the mean time, can you share with me what might help to address your doubts? I really do want to help and I have no problem with being patient when I know that we are making progress. I just want to make sure that we are making progress.

In terms of giving an ultimatum, I rarely see that work out well. I know that this wife was worried that all of the time in the world wouldn’t help. I know that feeling. But giving up definitely won’t help. And pressuring him is usually the wrong call also. So I think that the best strategy is to try to get him to clarify what is causing his remaining doubts and then work on those. Also, make sure that you keep communicating and keep reevaluating. It is in your best interest to improve your marriage as much as you can right now. Because this is usually the quickest way to get him to stop needing space and to start the process of coming home.

I hope this article has made you feel a l bit better.  You can always read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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