Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who, with a very heavy heart, are finally telling themselves that it might be time to move on from their spouse or from their separation. This is often not a decision that they have made lightly. Often, they make this decision when they feel as though they don’t have another choice or when they feel that this is in their own best interest. So, they will convince themselves that they have finally come to terms with what they must do – and that means moving on and starting again.

So I might hear someone say something like: “I have been separated for over eight months. For many weeks, I have been hoping for an improvement in our situation. This hasn’t happened. Occasionally, I see some interest from my husband but it seems like once I get my hopes up, he will back away again. It’s a roller coaster that hurts over and over again. The other day, I asked my husband if we were over for good and he said that he didn’t know. He said that he was as frustrated as I was. But he didn’t really give me much hope. I am not sure that I can take this week after week and month after month. It hurts. So, my friends have been urging me to give up on this whole situation and to move on. I can not be the one to initiate a divorce. I am not going to do that. But I guess what I can do is give up in my own mind and begin to move on in my own life. The problem is, I don’t know how to do this. I have been with my husband for so long. I have not been on my own in more than a decade. It feels so foreign to me when I am alone. How do you begin to start again when you have almost lost yourself in this process?”

Words such as this really hit home for me. I was in this same position once upon a time. I knew that it was in my best interest to move on. I knew that sitting at home and waiting on my husband meant pain and stagnation. But I literally felt stuck and somewhat paralyzed. Every time I would try to go out, I would almost feel as though I were betraying my husband and I felt awkward and odd. Every attempt just felt wrong.

At the same time though, I knew that just sitting at home wasn’t getting me anywhere either. I took some very good advice that suggested that I begin to move forward only on my own terms. What this meant was that I respected and listened to that little voice in my head that told when I wasn’t ready and when I was. So, if something felt forced or required too much of an effort for me, I gave myself permission to wait.

Generally, I surrounded myself with people who I knew genuinely loved and supported me. I avoided people who were trashing my husband or who made me feel even worse about myself or about my situation. I had no use for that. If something felt like too much of a task or made me feel drained, than I took this as a good indication to turn away and try something else. I tried to always follow love. What I mean by that is that I interacted with those who loved me. I read books that I loved. I went to places that inspired me. I tried to surround myself with things that made me feel nourished and supported. I tried to revisit those things and subjects that I had once felt passionate about.

I sat down and made a list of things that I’d been wanting to do for years but never had the time or the inclination to do and I began to try them one by one. Some felt awkward but some felt like coming home. And those are the things that I continued to pursue. I started writing during this time. I started looking at art again. I began reaching out to friends that I hadn’t kept up with for quite a long time. I read books in genres that I’d never tried before. I took up gardening.  And, probably the thing that helped me most of anything else was taking up yoga.  I started with DVDs at home but I eventually went to a center.  Like nothing else, yoga took me out of my own head and helped my body to relax and my mind to quiet. Honestly, it changed my outlook like nothing else.

In short, I kept myself busy and I tried to distract myself with things that helped moved me along and uplifted me rather than bringing me down. At the same time, I didn’t give up on my marriage. Not really, anyway. In the back of my mind, I always had hope. But I was also clear on the fact that I was no longer going to tread water or stand in quick sand. And then a really strange thing happened. My husband noticed this new person. And he responded to her. And suddenly, my marriage wasn’t so hopeful after all.

I don’t know what the future holds for the marriage discussed above.  But I do know that prioritizing yourself and starting over in your own life can sometimes have a benefit in other areas of your life. Starting over doesn’t always need to mean that you have completely given up. It just means that you have decided to turn your focus on yourself for a while. It’s my opinion that as long as you are caring deeply for yourself, you will know when to move forward in different areas of your life. I don’t think that you need to force yourself when things feel wrong. But I do think that it can benefit you to stop putting yourself on hold while you are waiting for other things to unfold. Take it one step at a time. And I believe that you can never go wrong when you follow love.

I hope this article has helped some.  I know that the whole idea of taking that first step is scary.   But do it gradually if this feels better.  And surround yourself with what lifts you up rather than what brings you down.  If it helps, you can read more about my own progress on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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