Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from couples who are confused (and a little upset) as to why they always seem to get along better when they are away from their spouse. Quite often, they fight or have continuous conflict when they are under the same roof. But when one of them has to travel for business or they choose a short trial separation, they find that they can actually relate to one another in a more positive way. This can often bring about both a sense of relief and concern. It’s a relief that there is a reprieve from the conflict. But the worry is what this situation says about the state of their marriage.

An example of a comment that I might hear in this situation is something like: “my husband and I have always had a passionate relationship where we were fight and make up. This was actually kind of exciting in the beginning of our relationship and neither one of us worried about this too much. But after we have been married for a while and had kids, we started to recognize how unhealthy the cycle really was. Once we were being more mindful of this, we started to notice that once my husband traveled for business, we always got along well when we communicated while he was away. That is why we decided to try living apart for a little while. And we have found that we continue to get along better when we are apart. We’ve even considered living apart and remaining married on a full time basis, but this probably isn’t in the best interest of our children. What does this say about our marriage? If we can’t get along when we are living under the same roof, are we better off divorced? Honestly, I do love my husband. And I really love our marriage when we are getting along. But this isn’t all of the time. What is going to happen to us?”

I couldn’t speculate about what was going to happen. This was a decision that only the couple could make. But, I can tell you my opinion on this. I don’t think that having some conflict when living together is a reason to just throw your marriage away, especially since this couple had shown that their marriage could improve when they changed the circumstances. Admittedly, this situation might not be an easy one to navigate. It was probably going to take a lot of experimentation in order to come up with a situation in which every one was happy. But, I think that it is definitely doable under the right circumstances.

Try A Gradual Approach: I think that the wife was right in her assumption that living apart full time was going to be challenging with children. With that said, I think that having the husband just abruptly moving home without learning new communication and negotiating skills was not giving this couple the new tools that they might need in order to succeed. They had tried this approach more than once and it had always failed. So, it makes sense to try to learn new ways to negotiate living together this time around.

It could be that even run of the mill disagreements tended to run away with this couple. But, if they learned how to negotiate their problems effectively, perhaps this would no longer be the case. Once you’ve learned how to navigate the issues a little better, you could try the husband coming home on weekends. If that works OK, then perhaps after a couple of months, you add more time at home during the week into the mix until you find an arrangement that you are comfortable with. It’s so important to be flexible here and to communicate.

I Think Every One Should Feel Free To Do What Works For Them: This is only my opinion, but I think that it is more important that your marriage is healthy and happy rather than traditional. All sorts of different marriages thrive in this world. What works for someone else may not work for you. But if you are happy with a more flexible living relationship or both you and your spouse need or want to travel frequently, I think that this is much preferable to getting a divorce. As long as you are openly communicating if the situation no longer works for you or if you have needs that aren’t getting met, I don’t think that this is a situation that can’t be overcome or should be the end of an otherwise workable relationship.

Sure, there was obviously some need for improved conflict resolution. There was obviously some buttons being pushed when the couple were under the same roof for any length of time. And these things needed to be addressed and fixed. But none of this needed to mean the end of a marriage that was working under certain conditions.

Since my husband and I reconciled, we constantly have to renegotiate and communicate to remain on track.  I have learned that this perfectly fine.  And I’ve also learned not to compare or analyze my marriage.  It’s more important that it works than how it looks.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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