Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are having second, third, and even fourth thoughts about leaving their spouses. At the time that they left, they felt reasonably certain about their choice. But once they’ve been away for a while, they start to miss their spouse desperately and they begin to second guess their decision to leave. This situation is made even worse when their spouse is reluctant to take them back. Or, even worse, their tells them that they were right to leave.

I might hear from someone who says something like: “I admit it. I am the one who initiated the separation. I am the one who left. I didn’t think that I wanted to be married anymore. I didn’t think that I wanted my husband any more. I thought that I outgrew him. I thought that he got on my nerves. I thought that we would never work because our marriage has shown us that we are just not compatible. But frankly, I wasn’t having many second thoughts when I walked out the door. Honestly, I felt a sense of relief. But within three weeks, I began to miss my husband. Within two months, I was calling him all of the time and trying to see him. I realize now that I made a grave error. This has all been a huge mistake. I have been trying to work up my courage to tell him that I want another chance and that I want to come back. But last night, he called me and told me that he’s probably going to go ahead and file for divorce. He says that I was probably right all along, but he would never have taken the initiative to do anything about it so it’s good that I took action. I feel that the opposite is true. I feel that this is all a mistake and I wish that I had never taken any action. Now, even though I’m the one who put this whole awful thing into motion, I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to let my husband or my marriage slip away from me. Is this a mistake that can’t be undone? What can I do now?”

I don’t think that this mistake couldn’t be undone. I think that there is always a chance and I think that you won’t know until you try. But, I also think that there are some things that you can do which will increase your chances of success. There are also some things that can decrease it. I will discuss both in the following article.

Make Sure That You Aren’t Going To Change Your Mind Again: I don’t mean to state the obvious. But this is a huge reversal of course. Your husband has likely finally comes to terms with this, so if you are not absolutely sure that you want to give your marriage a real try, then think twice before you put your husband through this process twice. Make sure that you are absolutely going to be willing to do the work necessary to make meaningful changes to your marriage so that you aren’t as unhappy as you were. I understand that you miss your husband. But missing him is sometimes not enough to really save your marriage. You will likely both need to make some changes and put in a lot of effort. So, if you aren’t sure that you are willing to do this, then take a little more time to think about it. Because that’s only fair to your husband. And he is likely going to have some understandable doubts. So it’s important that one of you is very motivated and very clear about what needs to happen. It is better if this person is you since you are the person who initiated the separation.

Ease Your Way Into It: Your spouse might wonder about your sincerity if it appears that you do a complete about face over night. You want to allow for them to see that you have thought deeply about this and have thought in depth about how you might change things so that your marriage can work. Sometimes, when I tell people this, they tell me that they feel as if they need to lay their cards on the table immediately because they don’t want for their spouse to file for divorce.

I understand this, but I think it’s worth it to try to ask for more time before everything comes spilling out. Instead of suddenly declaring your undying love all of a sudden and without warning, you may want o stay something like: “I was hoping that you wouldn’t move so quickly, even though I can understand why you are. I’ve started to have some doubts and I was hoping that we could talk about this. I don’t expect to make over night changes, but I was hoping that we could spend some time together before we decide to end our marriage. I don’t want for us to make the wrong choice. Right now, I’m just asking for a little additional time before we make a final decision that can’t be undone. Can you agree to this? I know that we have both been hurting. And I know that this may seem abrupt. But I think it would give both of us some peace of mind if we took our time. And if things don’t go our way, at least we know that we tried everything.”

Many spouses will agree to a little more time, even if they aren’t sure if they are ever going to want to get back together. Now, they may be resistant because they are hurt by your moving out. It’s important that you approach them with complete sincerity and patience. It’s important that you don’t make it seem as if this is all about you. In fact, you must make it clear that there is plenty in this for them.  They must eventually believe that they will be happier staying in the marriage than leaving it.

Accept That It Make Take A Great Deal Of Time And Effort To Make Your Husband Understand Your Change Of Heart: Even if your spouse really wants you back and really wants to save your marriage, they may be reacting out of pain and fear. They may wonder why all of a sudden you have changed your mind They may be afraid that you will change your mind again. So, it’s very important that you are prepared to wait for as long as it takes for them to be secure. And you may need to be very specific with details about what changed your mind and what is going to change now. Your spouse will want to know what changes you plan to make so that you won’t leave them again. It’s important to come prepared with a workable plan and to be willing to provide a lot of reassurance and patience.

My husband did eventually change his mind about our separation.  But, if it had been abrupt, I may have been concerned.  It took a gradual period of time before he was comfortable trust in our marriage again.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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