Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are confused and a bit frustrated by their separated husband’s behavior.   Even though their husband is the one who pushed for the separation, he is still showing affection toward his wife.  He may even be speaking affectionate language that can make the wife wonder if this means that a reconciliation is in the future.

Common comments are things like: “my husband wanted a three month separation to which I did not agree.  I tried various things to talk him out of this but nothing worked.  So, last week, he finally went to stay with his old college roommate.   This scared me more than I can express, but I felt a little better once I saw that my husband was going to keep in constant touch to check in.  We don’t see each other as much as I would like, but we do talk on the phone frequently.  And every time we do, he signs off by telling me that he loves me.  I always respond that I love him too.   I am happy that we can still reassure each other in this way but it leaves me confused and sometimes I want to answer with something like ‘well if you love me so much, why are we separated?’ but I don’t dare say anything.  Is it a good sign that he is telling me that he loves me?  Because I find it confusing and I am not sure what he means by this.  Sometimes I wonder if he is just saying this because he knows that I am so upset by the separation and he is trying to offer me some consolation.”   I will address these concerns in the following article.

Although Loving Words Are Reassuring, You Shouldn’t Depend Solely On Them:  I absolutely found it reassuring that this husband was expressing his continued love for his wife.  Because this is most certainly not always the case.   Some husbands distance themselves from their wives or act downright hostile during the separation.  So the fact that this husband was not only receptive to his wife but also affectionate was a very good sign.  It showed that he was still willing to feel favorably toward her and he felt comfortable expressing the same.

But as positive as all of this is, it’s very important that you still remain deeply rooted in reality.  I don’t say this in order to insert some negativity into the equation.  I say this because I know from experience that the best chance that you have of saving your marriage for the long term is actually addressing what lead to your separation in the first place.  You don’t want to just depend on your love for one another to see you through.  Because countless couples deeply love one another and yet, they still don’t make it.  And often, they don’t make it because the issues between them become bigger than their feelings for one another.

That’s why it’s so important that you are very proactive about not only expressing your continued love, but in taking the steps necessary to ensure that the same love is not in vain, which leads me to my next point.

A Suggested Way To Reply: I agreed that the wife should tell her husband that she loved him when he said the same.  But, I thought that she might take it a step further and say something like: “I love you too and that’s why I want for us to use this time to fix whatever is broken so that we are both happy and fulfilled in our marriage.  I am confident that we can do that if we work together.  Will you work with me to make that happen?”

Now, your next step is going to depend upon what the issue truly is and how comfortable your husband is with various methods of working through this.  Counseling can be extremely helpful, but only if he is willing to participate in it.  Some people are more comfortable with working this out amongst themselves and others are going to need some additional help, even if that only entails educating yourself with self help materials.  The method that you use doesn’t really matter in my opinion as long as you are moving forward and you are both participating.

So to answer the question posed, yes, I think that it is a very good sign when your separated husband is expressing love for you because this isn’t always the case.  But while this is very encouraging, often love is not enough.  Plenty of couples who love one another deeply separate and eventually divorce.  In fact, some divorced people are very forthcoming about the fact that they will always love their ex spouse.  But they will tell you that their problems were more persuasive than their love.

That’s why it’s so important that you identify what is truly wrong and fix it so that you are in a situation where you can once again focus on how much you love one another rather than on how much is wrong between you.  I am not saying this to discourage you.  I am saying this to help you so that you can get your marriage back.  I tried to skip some important steps during my own separation and it almost cost me my marriage.  I eventually recovered and we reconciled, but not without a lot of detours that could have been avoid.  If it helps, you can read about what finally worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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