Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are extremely disappointed with the outcome that follows their trial separation.  Often, they have worked so long and hard to get their spouse to come home that they never considered that the reality wouldn’t meet their expectations.  In fact, most of us assume that once we have met this goal, then everything else will fall into place.

I heard from a wife who said: “we were separated for three long months which were the worst months of my life.  At first, my husband wouldn’t even take my calls.  But over time, I lowered his resistance and within the last month, things have improved between us.  Last week, I asked him to move back home and he agreed.  We had the most romantic weekend packing up his things and moving him back home.  But lately, it seems like the honeymoon is over and we are fighting once again.  Last night, I sat down and cried because I realized that after all of this, nothing is really any different.  Does this mean that my marriage is never going to get any better and that this is all there is?  Because if that is the case, then I don’t want to live this way and I think that I am just going to let him go even though I love him and this is breaking my heart.”

This correspondence really touched me because I hate to hear that someone is considering giving up on their marriage when it may not even be necessary.  I understand that it was very discouraging to work so hard to get him to come home, only to discover that, in the end, you haven’t really gained any ground at all.   But I think that sometimes we give up too early.   And I will tell you why below.

If You Never Really Fix The Problem, You Still Have A Crumbling Foundation: Sometimes, we don’t lay the groundwork during the separation.  We haven’t fixed what lead us to the separation in the first place.  So it’s no wonder that the cracks begin to show eventually no matter how much we wish for the opposite to happen.

Think of it this way.  Let’s say that your house gets a crack in the foundation.  The crack begins to spread, but not wanting to spend the time or money, you try to patch the crack and paint over it.  In the short term, it looks better and you start to congratulate yourself that you were successful – until the crack shows itself again even bigger and more ugly this time because you never really fixed it to begin with.

And I don’t say this to discourage you.  I say this because I want for you to get down to work and fix your foundation once and for all so that the cracks never make their way back into your house and into your marriage.

Identify The Real Problems And Fix Them.  What Are The Triggers That Set This Into Motion?: Ask yourself what patterns you are still following, what issues continue to come up, and what buttons are still being pushed.  Answering these questions is the first step toward fixing and removing these reoccurring issues that can make a marriage feel too damaged to save.  The sad thing is that sometimes, only some time and attentive care is needed to eliminate the problems so that you can begin to enjoy the progress that you have made and actually enjoy your marriage again.

Unfortunately, the honeymoon or making up phase passes pretty quickly and if no real change has occurred, then people fall into their old destructive habits, revisit their old destructive fights, and revert to their old ineffective ways to deal with this.

Where Do You Go From Here?: People will often ask me if their spouse should move back out so that they can start over.  My opinion on this is that they should not.  It is easier to fix your issues when you are both under the same roof simply because you have easier access to one another and you are more motivated.  But, if you are living apart, it is much more difficult to put the quality time into it that is needed.

Instead, I would suggest staying where you are and starting as soon as possible. As soon as you see yourself repeating the same patterns, you might want to say something like: “I’m sure this isn’t what either of us envisioned when we decided that you’d come back home. I feel like we are resorting back to the same bad habits.  This marriage is so important to me.  I believe that we both want and deserve a more healthy relationship.  Will you work with me to pinpoint and then fix our biggest issues so that our reconciliation will be what we were both hoping for?  We deserve the marriage that we both want, and I believe that it is within our reach if we both work together.”

This is just a start, of course. Once you have your spouse’s cooperation, you’ll both need to be very observant about your behaviors and habits.  You’ll need to be honest about what isn’t working and then be proactive about fixing it.  But the good news is that if you are both motivated, you can rebuild to the place where you want to be.

I worked tirelessly to get my husband home after he left.  So it felt like a letdown when we still had to work on our marriage once he returned. But the effort has certainly been worth it. Our marriage is better than ever. I would never go back. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin