Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’re here and reading this article, then it’s clear that your husband wants a divorce and you don’t. You could be at any point on the journey. He may have only suggested a divorce, so you’re early in the process. Or he may have actually filed and moved out. 

 Despite the various scenarios that wives in this situation find themselves in, I often hear comments like this one: “I can’t believe that I’m even having to say this, but my husband is asking me for a divorce. He has said he’s unhappy. He told me that months ago. He has been very forthcoming about that. But I’d assumed that I’d have the opportunity to address his unhappiness before I was facing the possibility of the end of my marriage through divorce. I just can’t have this happen. I have kids to worry about. We had planned a future together. I have no interest in starting over with someone I could never much as I love him. And yet, none of this matters to him. He only cares about the fact that he wants to end our marriage as soon as possible. I am frantic to try to figure out some way that I can’t stop this. I just can’t have this happen to me.”

I know how awful this feels. This is seemingly the worst loss and rejection that you can possibly imagine. And this can understandably cause you to go into overdrive to stop this horrible thing before it starts. However, common reactions like vowing to “fight” or “stop” the divorce in the conventional sense may well backfire.  Frankly, as determined as you are to stop the divorce, he could believe that he is equally determined to go forward with it. 

Below, I’ll offer some suggestions on ways that you might try to buy yourself some time so that you can eventually implement the changes that might legitimately change his mind.  

 Don’t Make The Most Common But Catastrophic Mistakes:  I understand why you feel gut-punched. I also understand why normally rational wives can feel quite crazed in the hours and days following this awful news. You immediately realize that life as you know it may change catastrophically – or at least this is your fear. And you want to stop this before it can become reality. 

However, if you panic and act on all this adrenaline, you may do or say things that you deeply regret. It’s very common to suddenly make all sorts of crazy promises, or unhinged threats, or to show a level of desperation that is never attractive. Worse, these actions will cause your husband to put up walls to limit his exposure to this perceived undesirable behavior, which is exactly what happened in my case. 

To avoid this, take a deep breath and understand that your real goal is to maintain access to your husband. You must do this in order to have any chance of changing his mind.

In order to maintain this access, you are likely going to need to make some quick concessions. You’re going to need to remain calm and reasonable so that your husband doesn’t need to keep you at arm’s length. If you can’t remain calm while interacting with your husband right now, take a few days to regain your composure.

Give Him The Wide Berth That He Thinks He Wants, At Least Initially:  I’m not implying that you should pretend that you’re going to give a divorce. I don’t advocate lying about this. But I don’t see anything wrong with agreeing that a break would do you both some good. If he resists staying, then trying to strong-arm or guilt him into it isn’t likely to do any good, and it might make him avoid you. 

Divorces aren’t granted immediately, although it can feel this way at the time. So you can afford to give him some room for a short period of time.  This might help with the shock and anger, and eventually, it might even allow him to miss you and begin to feel a bit of regret or doubt. 

But it’s very important that you deliver this message in a sincere and believable way. He shouldn’t think that you are playing a game. He should think that you are sincere in working with him because your relationship is still important to you, even if it may be evolving.

Become An Expert At Patiently Working With Small Opportunities:  I’m not going to lie to you. When your husband thinks he wants a divorce, you are going to have some obstacles to overcome. You will have to work hard to change his mind. And neither of these things happen immediately.  

You will often have to work gradually and be pretty slick with the small openings you receive. Some days, you may have to just be satisfied that you exchanged pleasantries. And there may be times when a decent conversation might make your week.  

The key is for him to see that you are not a threat and that his perceptions about you and the marriage were wrong. You will have to take advantage of openings as they unfold and you’ll have to overcome obstacles as they happen. You’ll need to regroup when your efforts don’t work and you’ll never want to celebrate before he’s back for good. 

In short, you have to become very good at reading the situation and at learning his cues. You’ll need to move forward as you are able, but you’ll definitely have to back up when you hit resistance. On the days when he’s clearly not receptive, you’ll need to busy yourself with other things, and you’ll come to learn that this is not always the end of the world. If you do no harm, then you’ll have the opportunity to come back at this on another day. This process requires you to be very observant, reactive, and deliberate. But you can do this. Many wives do this. 

Above All, Do No Harm: Sometimes, doing no harm is actually the strongest stance that you can take. Because men can and do have doubts when they’ve had some time to think about this. They are much more likely to have these doubts when you’ve set it up so that he can view you favorably and with longing. Never do anything to undermine this process, as tempting as they might be right now. 

Even if you’ve already made mistakes, you can always try to get back to neutral by pausing and allowing some calm to settle in. You just want to get back to cordial at first. Once there, you’ll slowly begin to rebuild a rapport, which hopefully will become a renewed ease, and eventually a returned intimacy. But that is a process that requires several steps.

The first step is to do no harm and to set the stage to have access with a cordial relationship. 

I know this because I made the mistakes I just warned you against because I panicked.  I did not understand the gradual approach. I wish I’d known then what I’m telling you now.

Thankfully, through a bit of dumb luck, I was able to save my marriage. That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com/