Can I Save My Marriage If My Husband Says He’s Not In Love With Me?
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are reeling because their husband has admitted that he’s not in love with them anymore. This can make them question if it is even going to be possible to save their marriage. A wife might cry: “last night my husband and I argued and he told me that he’s not in love with me. He couldn’t have told me anything that would have upset me more. I asked him where this leaves our marriage and he said that he didn’t know. Because we have children, I would very much like to save our marriage, but I’m not even sure if it’s going to be possible if he doesn’t love me. I find myself wondering what is the point if there are no feelings left for him. Is there any chance to save your marriage when your husband isn’t in love with you?”
I know that some people are going to disagree with what I’m about to answer. And this is perfectly OK. But it is my opinion and experience that many marriages survive even when one spouse believes they are no longer in love with the other? Why? Well, there are several reasons. First of all, people are sometimes wrong in their perceptions. Second, people change their mind. Third, just because he’s not feeling very loving toward you now, this doesn’t mean that his feelings can’t or won’t change when the things that you do to save your marriage drastically improve it. I will discuss this in more detail in the following article.
Why Your Goal Shouldn’t Be To Get Him To Stay Married To You At All Costs Without Making Changes To His Feelings: I have had wives ask me if there is any way to get their husband to stay even though he doesn’t love them. I understand the question because it is one that went through my own mind after my husband left me. But, I also know first hand that this is a hollow victory. Yes, some men will remain unhappily married even when they don’t love their wives. Because of their kids perhaps, they vow to stick it out even when they know that things just aren’t what they should be. And while this might be a relief because you want to save your marriage, it also means that you are settling for far less than you have to. I know first hand that it is completely possible to set it up so that your husband falls back in love with you. And that’s why I believe that nothing less should be your goal. Sure, you want to save your marriage. But also, you want to improve your marriage so much that you are both very much in love with one another.
Make Your First Priority Returning The Love Knowing That Saving Your Marriage Will Follow: I know first hand that when you know that you’re at risk of losing your marriage, you can be driven by fear. I used to think that nothing could be worse than getting divorced. As a result, I was so much more worried about saving my marriage than actually improving it. This was a huge mistake. Because my methods did nothing to address my husband’s lack of love for me. Therefore, there was nothing to motivate him to stay and my plan just reeked of desperation which was a total turn off for him.
It took me entirely too long to realize that the better plan was to not focus so much on saving my marriage at all costs. Instead, I chose to trust that if I could improve things so much that the love returned, then saving my marriage would take care of itself. Once this tiny little shift in my thinking happened, things drastically improved. My husband noticed my change of attitude and he was much more willing to make himself available to me. And, when we were together, he wasn’t nearly as guarded as he had been. Yes, this was sort of a leap of faith on my part. But eventually, it became pretty obvious that I didn’t have much to lose. So I just decided that it was worth it to try to reignite the feelings between us and have trust that good things would happen as the result.
To do this, I searched my memory of what drew us together and what my husband most loved about me. I soon figured out that the woman he originally had loved so much, the funny, easy going, light-hearted woman who loved adventure was not who I was portraying to him in the present time. I knew that this had to change. I wasn’t going to be fake or change who I was. But I was going to show him the best version of myself. This didn’t work overnight, but it certainly worked eventually, which is why I would tell anyone to never give up hope.
So to answer the question posed, yes, you can save your marriage if your husband isn’t in love with you, but you will have a much better chance of doing so (and will have a better marriage as the result) if you can return the love first. Because frankly, you deserve nothing less than this.
As I alluded to, when I was trying to save my own marriage, my husband truly had given up on us. He was going forward with moving out and then the divorce. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but also to save our marriage. I’m glad I didn’t just settle because we are both much happier as the result. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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