Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives feel as if they cannot win with their husbands. Most feel that they are a good spouse, friend, and partner. But their husband often does not seem to agree.

A wife might comment: “I am just not sure what my husband wants or expects from me. The other day, he pouted and told me that he didn’t feel as if I paid enough attention to him or cared if he felt desired and loved. This, of course, is code for he does not think we have enough sex. He says he misses the playful person that he married. After this conversation, I looked at his internet history and I found that he had been on a morning radio website that features women in bikinis. So when he’s supposed to be working, he is logging on to stare at other women. I feel like he compares me to them and figures that I don’t add up. But how am I supposed to when I have to care for his children, cook his meals, clean up after him, and make sure that the household runs smoothly? And of course, I work too so that we can both have the lifestyle that we want. But I suppose that at the end of the day, I’m supposed to have enough energy to rock his world while being the best mom possible for his children. I suppose this requires that I be superwoman or something, but this is impossible. When I mention all of this to my husband, he says that he doesn’t expect all of this, But if this is so and he has no expectations, then why is he unhappy? And why is he complaining? Just what does he want from me? Because I’m getting really tired all the way around.”

These are questions that so many wives can identify with. I don’t know one wife and mother who doesn’t feel as is she is being pulled in a million different directions. And I knew very few that don’t compare themselves to others and worry that they have fallen short.

Obviously, I’m not a husband who can just give you a glimpse into his brain or into his thoughts. But I’ve talked with men about this. And I can tell you what many of them tell me in terms of what they want from their wives. I will share this with you below.

They Want To Feel Like You Completely Understand Them, But Don’t Judge Them For Their Flaws. Instead, They Want To Know That You Love Every Bit Of Them Instead: I have noticed a common theme among many men that I dialog with. And that is, they feel as if they have to put up a brave front to their wives. What I mean by this is that they have this perception (whether it is true or not) that if they let down their guard, you’re going to pinpoint their weaknesses. They feel as if they must be at their strongest and at their best at all times since they are theoretically the head of the family. This can put a lot of pressure on their shoulders and they often feel judged if they think their wife is the least bit critical.

More than anything, many of them want to be seen as a good provider and the rock and you and the family can always count on. But when you start to become unhappy or start to question even the small things, he can begin to wonder if you know something about his abilities that he doesn’t. Once this cycle starts, you might notice him start to become critical of you as a means of a defensive strategy. Often, neither of you is aware of what is happening. It’s not a conscious decision. It just happens.

And this is what I mean when I say that your husband can feel as if he needs to hide his true self from you.  So he exhibits escapism behavior like trolling around online. He’d like to be able to be totally honest and he’d like to be able to unload and tell you the things that are really bothering him. So, what he wants is a wife who is accepting of him no matter what. And when you start saying “what do you want from me?.” there’s an implication that he expects too much because he considers himself above reproach, which of course he isn’t. Anything that you can do to facilitate an accepting and open attitude is going to help.

He Wants To Feel Desired And Appreciated As Much As You Do: Women will often tell me that their husbands are self-centered because they want sex or attention when the wife is dead tired. I often hear comments like “doesn’t he know what I do all day? How could he even ask?” But I’ll bet if you stopped and asked yourself if you’d like for him to stop and listen to you at the end of that same day, your answer would be yes. The thing is, you might want attention in a way that manifests itself differently than sex. But you want his attention just the same.

At the end of the day, we all want to be noticed and appreciated. We want for our spouse to notice our troubles and our triumphs. We want for them to see all of those little things that we do and actually vocalize them. And yet, so few of us also take the time to notice what is right in front of us.  Men truly don’t expect us to be sex goddesses or to have perfect bodies. And, despite how it may feel, they don’t expect us to have sex all of the time. They just want to feel like we appreciate what they do and, as a result, desire them. And honestly, wives want this too. We just don’t always want him to show his appreciation through sex.  Just telling him how much you appreciate how hard he works and even giving him a back rub when that is all that you can muster will probably be noticed by him and will count.

They Want To Feel Like You Lift Them Up Rather Than Weigh Them Down: Remember when the husband told this wife he missed her playful attitude? What he probably meant was that he missed how she would lighten his load by seeing the funny or playful side of things.

It’s human nature to thrive in relationships that make you feel better above yourself. But, when you point out what is wrong rather than what is right, it becomes so draining for both of you. When you are telling your husband that he wants too much, then this brings you both down like a weight around your ankles. But when instead you say something like: “I’ve had a really long day. But let me put the kids to bed so we can talk about it and unwind,” then this changes the whole dynamic. Because instead of both of you focusing on how bad your day was, now you have set it up so that you both have a release and something to look forward to.

Men want to know that they can count on their wives to make things better because she loves them and wants the best for them. Of course, you want and deserve this from him also. But here’s something that is almost always true. The more you give him what he wants, the more that he will be more than happy to give you what you want so that you will keep on feeding the cycle and creating that win-win scenario that, at the end of the day, we all want.

Unfortunately, when my own husband seemed to want from me I didn’t understand these principles at the time. I told him that he expected too much and had unrealistic expectations, which lead to our separating.  It wasn’t until I put these principles into action that I was able to save our marriage and change the dynamic.  I still use these principles today and they work very well.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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