Should You Stay Married If Only One Of You Is Happy?
by: Leslie Cane: Many of the women asking this question today remember that not so long ago, both their husband and themselves were both very happy in their marriage. But that mutual happiness is sometimes in stark contrast with today when their husband is telling them that he’s just not happy anymore. And although there are some wives in this situation who will admit that they aren’t all that content either, some tell me that this caught them off guard because they are still pretty happy in their marriage.
I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband is telling me that he hasn’t been happy in our marriage for the past 8 months. I’m a little surprised, although I must admit that I’ve noticed him acting differently and being more quiet and sullen. I chalked this up to his very stressful job where his company continues to lay off his colleagues. When he was telling me about his unhappiness, he alluded to the fact that he didn’t think that I could be happy with the way things were going either. The thing is, I am happy in my marriage. Sure, things aren’t perfect. We don’t have as much time together as we did when we first got married, but who does? It’s not all sunshine and roses, but I knew that coming into it. I still wake up every day loving him and, although we’re no longer as connected or as affectionate as we once were, I still enjoy his company and being part of his family. I don’t need constant romance or sex. I just want him. But when I tell him this, he looks away or sighs as if he doesn’t believe me. My mother says if he’s truly this unhappy, I should let him go because he’s not likely to change how he feels. And I admit that it does seem unfair to stay in a marriage where I know that I’m the only one who is happy. So what should I do? I don’t want a separation or a divorce, but I don’t want to be selfish either. I love him and if he’s unhappy perhaps the right thing to do is to offer to let him go.”
I have to admit that this wife was a bit of an exception to the rule. Most wives in this situation ask me how to get their husband to change his mind or to make him see where he’s wrong. And frankly, many are most concerned with their own fears and feelings. I always encourage these wives to make sure that their husband knows that she cares very deeply about his level of happiness. But this wife already had that mentality. And, although she didn’t want to, she was fully prepared to let him go if he ultimately decided that he could not be content in the marriage. But, I thought that there was a chance that things didn’t need to escalate to that level. I’ll tell you why in the following article.
If The Source Of The Unhappiness Can Be Removed Or Addressed, Then This Should Be Your First Step: It was clear that the marriage wasn’t always as it was today. There was a time in the not so distant past where both husband and wife were completely content and fully invested in the marriage. So the obvious question becomes what had changed. And the wife wasn’t able to completely answer that question. The only real change that popped into her head was the stress her husband was under at his job which resulted in him being so tired and on edge when he returned home that he just ate and went to sleep watching TV.
As far as she knew, there was no infidelity, money issues, or some of the other common issues that destroy marriages. There was a good deal of stress which resulted in a husband who withdrew more often. So, the most logical step in this situation would be to try to address the stress that seemed to be sapping the happiness out of her husband. In the past, her husband had relieved stress through sports or exercise, but lately he’d been too tired or too depressed to turn to that outlet. I suggested the wife make every attempt to get her husband back on some type of exercise or sports schedule even if this meant going along with him. Because sometimes, we project our own stress levels onto our spouse and equate this with their inability to make us happy, even if this is far from accurate. And if the husband’s negative emotions were due to his job or to stress, then attempting to address or eliminate that stress would be a good place to start.
The wife also told me that the husband had been dropping phrases like: “I can’t help but look around and wonder if this is all there is.” Or “I feel like I just do the same thing over and over day in and day out.” Although it wasn’t necessarily fair to allow the predictability of his life to influence his marriage, these were clues. If the wife could bring some fun and excitement into their lives or introduce some activities that the husband might enjoy to shake things up, this might also be a good place to turn her attention.
Although You Can And Should Try To Bring Some Joy And Fun Into Your Spouse’s Life (And Into Your Marriage,) No One Can Make Your Spouse Happy But Them: Even with all of the above suggestions, I have to tell you that sometimes, there’s a real risk that the happy spouse tries to over accommodate in this situation. They start to worry that their spouse’s contentment is their sole responsibility. It really isn’t. Although I encourage you to do everything in your power to improve your marriage and to bump up the fun and excitement in it, you shouldn’t blame yourself for your spouse’s feelings. While it’s important that your spouse understands your wish for them to be happy and at peace, if you take responsibility for their happiness, you almost encourage that projection that I talked about earlier. Neither of you should believe that happiness is the responsibility of anyone other than the person experiencing it. With that said, you always want to remain upbeat and encourage your spouse to do those things that bring them joy or lighten their load.
If All Else Fails, Consider Offering Some Other Types Of Support: Hopefully, once the wife tried to address the things we discussed, things in her marriage would improve. But, sometimes, there is more work to do. There are times when you try to remove or address the source of the unhappiness and you try to change things up, but you are still left with a sullen spouse. If this is the case, you have to ask yourself if it’s possible that this doesn’t have everything to do with you. Sometimes, people take their past issues and struggles with them in their relationships without realizing it. They think that their struggles have everything to do with their marriage when they do not. This is not at all uncommon. Counseling or education can help greatly in this situation, although many men aren’t always receptive to this.
Another option is to offer your spouse some time to themselves to sort of their feelings or to clear their head. ( I suggest your staying with friends for a while rather than moving out.) Sometimes this makes them realize that they still feel the same unhappiness even when you aren’t present. And sometimes they will then put two and two together and realize that you and the marriage aren’t the source of their problems. (But, this strategy is one to use after everything else has failed, as there is a bit of risk involved.)
But to answer the question, I believe that you SHOULD stay married if you can change things so that you are BOTH happy. This might take some doing, but it’s certainly not impossible. Splitting up when the happiness could be restored is a sad thought to me. I understand this situation intimately. I was the happy one in my marriage while my husband was unhappy. Unfortunately, I didn’t know these techniques at the time, so we eventually separated. Luckily, I educated myself about new strategies that eventually worked. If it helps, you can read about the things that worked to bring the happiness back in our marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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