How To Respond When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce
By Leslie Cane: I often hear from women who are struggling to decide how to respond when their husband tells them that he wants a divorce. Most of the women who contact me don’t want a divorce and want to save their marriages instead. Sometimes, the husband has already mentioned the divorce and, other times, the wives know that the conversation is coming and they want to know how to best handle and respond to it.
I understand that this is probably one of the most difficult conversations that you might ever have. I also know that you’re probably rehearsing this in your head because you want to say and do the right thing. And, it doesn’t help when your emotions begin to run away from you because you begin to think about what’s ahead with fear rather than looking at the days right in front of you with hope.
In the following article, I’m going to offer some tips on how I feel is the best way to respond when your husband says he wants a divorce. These tips are based on my own experiences and observations (and on what I have seen work the best for wives that want to save their marriages. Obviously, if you agree with your husband and want a divorce, then that’s another article for another time.)
Try To Take In Not Just What He Says About The Divorce But Also How He’s Saying It. What Clues Is He Offering You (Even If He Doesn’t Know It): It’s very important to remain calm and to place most of your focus on listening and taking this in rather than arguing or trying to have a back and forth conversation. The reason for this is that how he presents his request for a divorce is going to give you some clues about his true feelings. Sometimes, what he doesn’t say is every bit as important as what he does say.
As tempting as it can be to respond in haste, try to make listening your first focus. What, precisely is he saying to you? How is he saying it? What is he not saying? What does this tell you about his thought process? For example, does he mention his feelings for and his love for you or is he leaving that part out? Is he giving you specific reasons for the divorce or is he leaving things vague? Does his mind seem to be made up or is he wavering? What does his body language say about his resolve?
The answers to these types of questions will help you to develop your best strategy when you’re trying to save your marriage in the face of divorce. Now, I will go over some responses that you really should try to avoid when your husband says he wants a divorce.
Responses You Should Avoid When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce: I know that it can be very difficult to have complete control over your response when the topic is so emotionally charged and the stakes are so high. But, to the best of your ability, you should avoid any arguing or debating. This type of response usually won’t help you any way and will actually usually make a divorce more likely instead of less likely.
You should steer clear of any responses that will get a negative reaction from him. You don’t want to try to get him to feel sorrow or pity because this too will make him feel more negatively about you or the marriage. So, phrases like “how could you do this to me?” are not the best choice. Another common phrase is something like: “who do you think you are? You’re just going to throw our marriage away because things aren’t completely perfect.” Another example is “Does it even matter that I don’t want a divorce? Why do you get to decide what happens to our marriage?” And here’s one more: “Are you even thinking about our children? What is this going to do to them? How could you be so selfish?”
While all of these phrases are understandable, none of them help your cause.
Another thing that you don’t want to do is to make threats or tell him that you are going to fight him every step of the way. You don’t want to insinuate that he’s going to lose a lot of money or see his kids less if he divorces you. I know that this can be very tempting and it might feel as if this is the only leverage that you have. But playing these types of cards will generally make him even more determined to divorce you and to prove you wrong. Not only that, but do you really want your husband to stay married to you because he can’t afford a divorce or only because of his kids? Probably not. You want him to stay married to you because he is happily married and because he wants to be there.
All of these types of responses are absolutely understandable, but they don’t get you any closer to your goal of figuring out the best way to approach this to save your marriage. And these type of responses will also sometimes make your husband feel very defensive which can sometimes even strengthen his resolve to get a divorce. This is what happened when my own husband wanted a divorce. I handled this badly and it actually made things a lot harder for me.
What I Think Is The Best Response When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce: I know that I’m asking a lot, but, time after time, I notice that the best response is the one that allows you to maintain your dignity while at the same time, allows you to focus on maintaining the relationship as best as you can. Because in order to have the best chance of saving your marriage, you are going to need a decent relationship with your husband and you will need access to him. So, you don’t want to do anything that is going to jeopardize this. And, you want to lay the groundwork for future interactions. Obviously, you want to respond in a way that makes you comfortable and that will be successful for you, but here’s just one suggestion.
“Well, it goes without saying that this is not what I wanted to hear and I’m pretty floored. I love you and don’t want to end our marriage. However, I’m not the only decision maker in this marriage and you clearly feel differently, at least right now. I would just hope that as this process moves forward, in whatever way that it does, that we don’t allow this to completely deteriorate our relationship. You are simply too important to me. I don’t want to end up like those couples who can’t stand each other or who let their relationship dissolve into nothing. I hope that we can maintain some sense of closeness because that is more important to me than anything else right now.”
Do you see why I included some of the phrases that I did? You’re setting it up and laying the groundwork so that you will have access to him in the days to come so that hopefully, he will be receptive to you. I hope you can see that this response puts you in a much better position than arguing, debating, or attempting to make him feel guilt or other negative emotions.
I know that you are going through a very hard time right now. I know that your heart is likely breaking. But, this doesn’t always have to mean the end of your marriage. It didn’t for me. If it helps, you can read about how I saved my own marriage when my husband wanted a divorce on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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