Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I recently heard from a wife who was devastated because her husband had just consulted a divorce attorney and was obviously considering a divorce. When she tried to talk to her husband about the way that she felt and the fact that she desperately wanted to save her marriage, the husband just responded with curt, one-word answers. At one point after the wife had been harping on the subject for quite some time, the husband exclaimed: “I just need some space and some time apart to think, OK? I can’t even hear myself think when you keep asking me all of these questions.”

Of course, one of the last things that the wife wanted to do was to leave the home (or allow her husband to do so.) She worried that if she loosened her grip even a little, he might slip away and never come back. Still, she knew that she could not continue on in the way that she had. Her husband was avoiding her and wouldn’t listen to her at this point anyway. She said, in part: “It’s starting to look like I have no choice in giving him some time apart. But, if I do this, is there any chance that this will mean he’ll call off the divorce?”

There is always a chance of anything happening. I’ve seen this strategy save marriages if it’s done correctly. In fact, I did a bit of a hybrid strategy, which worked. I’ll discuss how to handle the “time away” correctly in the following article.

Giving Your Husband Space Without A Workable Plan To Change His Perceptions Isn’t Always Enough To Get Him To Call Off The Divorce: Sometimes, I have people tell me that they gave their spouse the requested time apart and they don’t understand why things didn’t get better or why nothing happened. They will often say something like: “I knew that my choices were to give him his space or that he was going to take it by divorcing me. So, the time apart was really my only alternative, although I hated the mere thought of it. Still, I complied even though it was very hard for me. But, it didn’t help. He still wants the divorce.”

Often, when I ask the person what she did during the break to improve the situation, she’ll say something like “Well not a lot. He asked for some time away so I gave it to him. What more was there to do?”

Although I feel that giving the space is the right call, there’s plenty that you can do while it’s happening. And by saying this, I don’t mean that what you should do is call, text, or show up constantly. That’s not the best idea, either. But, what you can do is make each short encounter or conversation count to strengthen and improve his impression of you so that he comes to miss you while he is gone.

But, if all you do is sit by idly, hoping that he will come to his senses while you take no action to ensure you this, you’re leaving an awful lot to chance.

What It’s Going To Take For Him To Call Off The Divorce?: Let’s think about what things you need to overcome in order for him to want to call off the divorce. Right now, it’s his perception that your marriage is at the point where the two of you aren’t connecting in a positive way and do not have the ability or skills to change things significantly enough to make the marriage worth saving.

He may well be sad about this and wish that things were different. But, for whatever reason, at least at this time, he believes that it’s in his best interest to explore time (and perhaps life) without you rather than to dig in his heels and fight for the marriage with you.

Only you know why he feels this way. But, I can tell you that most men who comment to me tell me that they just no longer see or feel the connection. They sometimes tell me the happy, funny, light-hearted, and upbeat wife who used to understand them and make them feel so positively just isn’t there anymore and has been replaced with someone who is distracted, negative, and nagging a bit too much.

Show Him Exactly What He’s Looking For: Understand that you don’t want to focus on the negative by reaching out too much if he is reluctant or continuing to press him on what is the matter with him or why he’s made this choice. Instead, you want to show him the lightbeat, good-hearted, exciting woman that he thought was gone is still present. You want to show this person to him every time you interact with him (and it’s best to keep this interaction purposely short so that he’s intrigued and wants more.)

And, if you don’t have access to him, you’ll sometimes have to be creative or settle for small victories. You likely have mutual friends who can help you to plant some seeds. The whole idea is for him to get the impression that you are working with him rather than against him. And that, although you most certainly don’t want a divorce you understand that the marriage is not not the one that you want either. Despite this though, you’re focusing on the positive, remaining busy, and continuing to have confidence that you belong with your husband and he will ultimately do the right thing and understand this.

I know that focusing on the positive and remaining as upbeat as possible might seem to be an impossibly tall order. But, it’s very often your best bet. Because your most important goal right now is to change his perceptions in a natural, genuine way that doesn’t feel fake or forced. Your husband should come to see these things on his own. This way, when he decides to call off the divorce, both of you will be sure that this was a genuine decision that he made on his own.