Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives brace themselves for what is going to happen during the separation they didn’t want. They can go into it assuming the worst. They worry that their husband will actually think his life has greatly improved since his wife isn’t in it. They fret that a quick divorce is on the horizon. And they worry that he’ll drift away sooner than they can reign him in.  

Well-meaning friends and family may tell her that she’s being pessimistic and that she shouldn’t always think the worst-case scenario is right around the corner. So she may try to keep her chin up and look on the bright side – until her husband starts doing the very things that feed into her doubts. And lying is definitely an example of one of those things.

A wife might say, “My husband initiated this separation. In fact, from the time he brought it up to the time he moved out was only a few weeks. I think he was planning this longer than he actually told me. Because I’ve caught him in several lies during this separation. These lies make me wonder if anything he’s told me during this process is actually true. He tried to make it seem like this was just going to be a short-term thing where he was trying to figure things out, but I’ve heard he is making long-term plans without me. He told me that he had no plans to sow any wild oats whatsoever, but friends have seen him out with groups of people on a few occasions.”

“The other day, I drove by his place, and his car wasn’t there, but when I asked him where he was, he told me he was at home. I was too embarrassed to admit I’d driven by, so I couldn’t really confront him about it. But it seems what he presented to me before he left and what is actually happening are two different things. This makes me worry that he will pursue a divorce, even though he has reassured me in the past that he has no intention of that. Why else would he be lying? I’m not sure how to play this. My inclination is to angrily confront him. How dare he lie to me in this way? It’s so disrespectful in a way that I’d never act toward him. But, things are already so shaky between us. I resent the position he has put me in. I feel like I can’t really get things off my chest in the way I deserve. I feel like I can’t aggressively demand the answers that I deserve. But don’t I deserve to know the truth?”

 As someone who has been through the pain of separation, yes, we all deserve the truth. However, as you already suspect, you have to be very careful. If you accuse him of something that he doesn’t consider wrong or that he hasn’t actually done, you could do a great deal of damage at a time that is already difficult.

Why Caution is Recommended: Going out with a group of friends is probably not the worst thing he could do. And trying not to report to a wife when he’s separated is actually quite normal. I’m not defending him for stretching the truth in any way. I completely understand how you feel. I’m just telling you that this is quite normal because separated husbands don’t want to have to answer for everything (thus their need for space,) so they will sometimes be purposely evasive in the beginning without malicious intent. And if you imply malicious or untruthful intent, he may push back and pull away from you even more, which only makes the situation worse.

How You Can Try to Come at it More Positively: Sometimes, a husband’s negative behaviors fade as he gets his need for space met and begins to gain more perspective. But initially, they’re often just as out of sorts about being more independent as you are, and they’re trying on their new life. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care or don’t have a right to know what he’s doing.  

I always felt that if I was still married, I still had a right to know if my husband was doing something destructive to the goal of saving our marriage. But I also knew that I couldn’t “make” him act in the way I wanted to. And I knew that he wasn’t going to answer to me.

And I knew that if I tried to force this, he was just going to do more of the behavior I was trying to avoid. So sometimes, I learned to come at negative behaviors in a non-accusatory way. It would look something like, “I didn’t ask, but I still heard from so and so that you were out with a bunch of people. I don’t need to worry, do I?” Try to say this in as lighthearted a way as you can muster. And if you meet resistance, stop. And come at it another day in another way. Always remember that your goal is never to make things worse.

Focus on Making Gradual Improvements So that You Don’t Worry so Much About the Unknown:  Honestly, I’m going to admit that I sometimes unfairly painted my husband’s behavior in a bad light because I was so paranoid and fearful of losing him. So I often allowed that fear to make things worse for myself. And when I did, he pulled further away from me. I would have been better off trying to make things better between us rather than sounding accusatory.

When I did focus on our relationship rather than on the separation (and there is a huge difference,) things improved. And when things improved, I didn’t have to worry about these types of omissions as much. Because I could see that we were making progress, and I began to promise myself that I was going to accept gradual results and not always freak out as much.  

This small change was probably one of the best things I did because it shifted my thinking from negativity to hopefulness. Granted, I didn’t let myself hope for reconciliation for quite a while. But I did allow myself to think it was possible to gradually rebuild some sort of relationship.  

Thankfully, that relationship remained a marriage. By accepting gradual results and not clinging so tightly, I was able to finally save my marriage. (That entire account of how I did it is at https://isavedmymarriage.com) I am not sure that would have happened if my focus would have been on constantly catching my husband in bad behaviors. Because honestly, neither of us was behaving very well initially.

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