Leslie Cane Articles

I hear from many spouses who believe that their spouse is going through a midlife crisis. Needless to say, this can often hurt your marriage severely. It’s not uncommon for a spouse in a midlife crisis to suddenly become dissatisfied with everything in his life, including his wife and marriage.

Not surprisingly, people want to know how long this midlife crisis is going to last. And people who’ve had their marriage negatively affected by it wonder if there’s any hope at all that it is going to end.

A wife might say, “As soon as my couch-potato husband started working out, I should have known there was going to be trouble. Over the last six months, my husband has arguably been going through a mid-life crisis. He denies it, of course. But all the signs are there. He’s lost weight. He traded in his car. He wants a separation from me. He’s fighting with his mother. He dresses completely different. And he suddenly acts like he is the coolest individual on the planet. Frankly, I’m embarrassed for him. But it does me no good. He insists that he’s just taken stock of his life and that his behavior is nothing is out of the ordinary. He doesn’t even seem like the same person I married. Yet, for some reason, I still want him. I still hold out hope that he is going to snap out of this and that one day we can go back to how we were. Am I crazy for wanting this or for thinking it’s possible? Is there any hope for him?”

I think there is definitely some hope, and I’ll tell you why below.

Although There is Debate on How Long a Midlife Crisis Will Last, Most Experts Agree That They Do End:

Most experts agree that a man is most likely to have a midlife crisis between the ages of around 45-64. However, there is some disagreement as to how long they typically last. It can definitely depend upon the person.

But there’s a reason that we don’t typically see many people in their 70’s still struggling with a midlife crisis. People do move out of that phase of life and into another one. So it may make you feel somewhat better to know that this isn’t likely to be a lasting phase. You still have to be careful, though, because the damage from the crisis can be lasting.

Although Midlife Crisis Do End, The Damage They Cause Can Linger:

Honestly, it’s not so much the crisis itself you have to fear since you know that will end. It is the damage that the crisis can leave in its wake. That’s why you have to be careful of how you respond to this.

If you overreact and make your husband feel like a silly old-timer, he’s likely to feel resentment and defensiveness. And as a result, he may pull even further away from you, which is the last thing that you want.

Try to See This Through His Lens if You Can:

When I was separated, I eventually learned that if I could even try to see things from my husband’s point of view, then that would usually make my responses better and improve our situation.

For example, instead of being overly pessimistic about my husband’s frustration, I’d try to remind myself that he was likely struggling just as much as I was in our new normal, even if he’d never admit it.

Think about this for a second. A person in the middle of a midlife crisis is a person who is struggling with their place in the world. They’re struggling with their identity, even if they’d never admit it.

If you can see your husband as vulnerable right now instead of silly, you’ll be more likely to approach him with the empathy that is necessary to keep this thing from going off the rails.

If you can keep in mind that this is one day going to end, you’ll reign in at least some of your panic and approach the situation more calmly and rationally.

As tempting as it may be to call him an old fool and demand that he come to his senses, this is the very last thing that you should do. You are much better off approaching him with loving patience, even if he doesn’t seem receptive.

I’ve dialogued with more than a few men who’ve come out of this situation, and I can tell you that many of them look back and are quite embarrassed by their behavior. Many of them wish they could take it all back. And if they have patient wives, they are aware of and appreciative of that – even though they may not have been all that receptive at the time.

Ask Yourself How You Want Him To See You When This Is Over:

I know that it’s hard to be patient with someone who is in the middle of a midlife crisis, especially if you feel rejected.

But try to think about how you want him to see you when this ends. Do you want him to think of you as the person who made fun of him or lost patience in his time of need?

Or do you want him to see you as his unwavering source of support, even when he tried to push you away?

You do have some control over that by your own reactions. I know that I am asking you to have almost super-human patience, but there is no need to make a bad situation worse, especially if you are still invested in your marriage.

Try to see the big picture. And always think about where you want to be positioned when this is over. If you make an enemy of him now, there may not be a marriage to salvage when the midlife crisis passes.

I’m not sure if I can blame my husband’s unhappiness on a midlife crisis, but my approach to him was basically the same.  At the end of the day, I wanted him to realize that I tried to be patient and I tried to be there for him.  By no means did I always play this perfectly.  I made many mistakes.  But I ultimately did save my marriage.  You can read the rest of that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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